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‘I don’t date at all now’: one woman’s journey into the darkest corners of the manosphere
(www.theguardian.com)
this post was submitted on 30 Apr 2025
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I know a lot of guys in the comments are saying they don’t see it so they don’t have the opportunity to call it out. And some of those guys are making good points! These communities probably don’t interact much with men that treat women with respect.
But I also wonder how much of that stuff happens and they don’t realize it’s harmful to women. Obviously sharing photos isn’t okay so that’s an easy one to call out.
It’s not a man’s fault that he doesn’t see it, necessarily. You don’t have the same experiences as women and it just doesn’t occur to you as often. Women are on alert 24/7.
Kinda like that thing about the number of guys who feel safe walking to their car at night vs the number of women. (I know some men are anxious in that scenario too, but nearly ALL women are.)
When I was an elementary school aged kid, I was afraid to play outside at my grandmas house because a man drove by yelling cat calls. This actually happened a couple times growing up.
At 14, a random man followed me home from school.
In my college there was a flyer in the restroom about how something like 1 in 6 women will experience sexual assault or rape. But really that’s just the number reported.
Every single woman I know has experienced sexual assault or rape of some kind. (I didn’t ask my coworkers to be fair).
That’s bonkers.
But I do appreciate those of you that are trying to be better! The comments here are reassuring and give hope for the future!
I don't interact with anybody who does this. Really, outside of my wife and my close family I don't interact with anybody. Partially due to being assaulted multiple times, my anxiety goes through the roof.
It's horrible how some people treat each other, but understand just because I'm perceived to be part of a specific gender doesn't mean I have meaningful opportunity to do anything about it. I'm just a human, and while I agree other humans are often bad, it's out of my scope to do anything really impactful. I understand what is happening. It's much much worse than you state. It's worse in ways I probably would get banned for typing out on this site. Worse than you can possibly imagine. That's something society needs to address, and as an individual I cannot convince other people how bad it is or how extreme of action we need to take. And not for lack of trying.
It's good threads like this spread awareness, but reduction will not further the cause of improving the situation.
There are some cultures that are so female unfriendly it isn't funny, some of that has to do with religion and some of that doesn't. That's also one of the harsh realities of combating things like this because some people actually grew up and learn that women and worth less or some other kind of bullshit.
The other side of this coin is that in books and articles like this and heck even your comment only women get victimized or men get targeted. Yes statistically men are way more the cause of (sexual) abuse, misogyny or whatnot. Same with that women have it statistically worse partially because of some culture and partially because some people are just dicks and/or sick in their head. Some men (especially gay's, minorities and insecure people) get (sexually_ abused by women or other men, but that generally flies under the radar way more since they are often not believed.
That's why I always feel the need to mention it just incase it helps somebody down the line. Let's do better together!
If someone is talking about an issue, it is not helpful to bring up a different issue. They are not dismissing the other issue, it's simply not the topic being discussed. To bring up another issue when one is trying to be discussed is actually dismissive of the problem at hand. It's like you're trying to change the subject. You should not try to bring awareness of a problem on the thread of a different problem. Just create a thread about the problem, where the subject at hand can be that alone. If you made a post about men being victimized, and someone said "but what about women being victimized" I'm sure you could see that being problematic and dismissive.
You are absolutely going to see more posts about women being victimized. That does not mean people do not care about victimized men, it just means it's happening to women more often. There should absolutely be support and a movement for men. But, at least right now, it is separate from the movement for women.
I disagree it’s a different problem, it’s the same problem besides the gender.
It is a different problem though. Men do no have the same systematic sexism women face. There are absolutely problems men face, but they are different. Women are much more often taken advantage of, abused, and discriminated against for their sex. So when we talk about womens problems, to then mention mens problems is pulling away attention from the problems women face. Men have historically held most, if not all, the power. That is still true to this day. Men abuse that power over women more than women abuse that power over men.
Not to mention, the problems men face when coming out about abuse are ENTIRELY different problems than a woman faces, like you said so yourself. That alone seems to me like the issues are different, meaning they would have different solutions to them. Thus, their movements would be two separate movements.
You’re absolutely right about sexual assault against men. I thought what Terry Crews did was heroic. Even when he didn’t want to speak out, he knew he needed to be a leader and he spoke up.
I didn’t leave it out from a lack of concern. I was just making a point by how unsafe women feel in every aspect of their lives, not just occasionally in a Reddit forum.
Trans people, especially black trans people, are targeted in at a whole other level and are often ignored in reporting. They don’t deserve that.
Crazy that we all can’t just respect each others right to live.
Not sure I know exactly what you mean with what Terry Crews did.
I know you didn’t mention it for nefarious reasons or anything. I just wanted to mention it :P
And yeah we should all respect eachother.
Terry Crews was sexually assaulted by the head of a Hollywood talent agency while at a party in 2016.
Initially, he was embarrassed and angry. He didn’t want to talk about it, but after talking to his wife and seeing what the Weinstein accusers were doing, he decided to speak up about it. Seems that he wanted men to know to know it can happen to them too and to not be afraid to speak up.
I think it’s really important for other men (and other genders) to see that. Maybe more people will be brave enough to speak out too.
That you don't know is a depressingly perfect example of how effectively this has been marginalized by society. Fuck.
To be fair I don’t live in the US so it’s entirely possible that it hasn’t even been mentioned in my circles.
It's not just about how you're treated by these communities, it's how they work mechanically.
For example, on reddit if you engage with these people, you will not only be deleted and banned from their sub, you will also be auto-banned by a bunch of opposing subs. You get one chance to participate before you need to circumvent the platform by creating a new account.
It's simply not feasible to engage with them online in this way, and that's ignoring the time and emotional energy you need to spend to do it in the first place.
The issue needs to addressed at a societal level. As a society we value all the wrong things in men and few of the right things. A lot of these guys end up in these communities specifically because they feel they can't meet the ludicrous standards created for them, and place the blame solely on women instead of our wider culture.
I’m sorry, wasn’t this you victim blaming hours ago?
Amazing how you can drum up all this sympathy for red pilled men - which I agree with on some level, because usually targeted, vulnerable men turn to these communities and are in many ways victims themselves - but you are so hostile to the people they mistreat and put so much onus on the victims they then target to do something about it. Not to mention your whole point was “they’re not all victims” while also arguing these men are “misunderstood” and need help at the “societal level” - not their partners though! That’s the woman’s fault for sticking around.
It’s unbelievable. You’re tying yourself up in knots to make this idea work.
Choosing to fuck a piece of shit, when you know they're a piece of shit, doesn't make you a victim, and I'm not entertaining this pity party claim that everyone fucking a MAGA asshole is in an abusive relationship. They aren't. But I feel for the ones who are.
Also you're putting words in my mouth. I never said these men were "misunderstood". I explained how they got there in the first place. Their beliefs and actions are clear as day. I do not sympathize with them more than abused women. But you don't want to engage my actual points, you want to set up a straw man and pull your self-righteous, self-pitying manipulative bullshit instead, which is exactly what I knew would happen.
If you dine with a Nazi, you are a Nazi. If you befriend a Nazi, you are a Nazi. If you fuck a Nazi, you are a Nazi.
Jesus Christ what is wrong with you? Right out the gate your total disdain for women is on full display.
All this sympathy for abusers, none for victims. You are so backwards on this. You need to reevaluate your online communities man. You are getting red pilled HARD. You are in dangerous corners of the internet.
And that was shown to be complete horseshit arrived at by defining 'sexual assault or rape' in a survey more broadly than any reasonable person ever would.
It's similar to the survey in the 80s all the ACABers cite to claim 40% of cops are domestically violence--in that survey, even if a voice was raised one time in the past six months, and it was the cop's spouse yelling at the cop, that survey dumped the relationship in the domestic violence bucket. Big surprise that 40% figure has never been replicated since, lol.
One example: at the end of a first date that you weren't really feeling, the guy goes in for a kiss and you decline? Guess what, even if he completely accepts the denial and the date ends without incident, that went in the "sexual assault" bucket, regardless of whether the woman herself felt anything bad had happened.
Ever had sex while less than stone cold sober (keep in mind the entirety of the surveyed considered to arrive at this figure were college students)? Survey says you were raped. Doesn't matter if you were just tipsy, doesn't matter if you and your partner were equally drunk, doesn't matter whether you think you were raped/assaulted, nope, we decided you were.
Stuff like that is the only way to get to a figure so absurd.
First of all, the Washington Examiner is a right-wing news outlet. They have a bias in there reporting and it shows.
Second, the number of sexual assaults on campus is likely significantly higher according to more recent information.
https://www.apa.org/monitor/2022/04/news-campus-sexual-assault
Last, if someone assaults a person who doesn’t believe they were assaulted, does that count?
What is that person had passed out drunk and doesn’t remember it? Is it rape now? What if that person has a learning disability or communication disability? Do you think that’s rape?
My point here is that something can be true if the person isn’t aware of it. I presume people are also more likely to say they’ve received unwanted physical interactions than to say they were raped.
You know, society used to think you couldn’t rape your wife either.
Why are you proposing scenarios other than the ones I used to specifically exemplify the fact that the measure of sexual assault/rape was massively overinflated?
Do you think "but what about the situations that are rape" is a counterargument to that? My point is that they counted a lot MORE in ADDITION to those legitimate scenarios, and that's why such a scary number was arrived at.
The bottom line fact is, no survey etc. that doesn't massively dilute the definitions of those terms has ever or will ever reach a conclusion like "1 in 5 female college students have been sexually assaulted or raped". There is a reason that figure isn't being thrown around anymore these days--it's been debunked thoroughly.