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Answering my own question: "You've become a fascist, despite how I raised you. I don't want anything more to do with you." Said to my son, who is now 24 years old. I'm planning to reconnect with him at his grandfather's 80th birthday in a few months. I won't excuse his behavior or condone it, but hopefully I can reconnect enough that we can agree to disagree.
I admit, I'm judging you by that comment alone, but something irks me about that comment.
I'm not arguing that your son might not be a fascist, but "despite how I raised you" and "I'm planning to reconnect with him" are (to me) both indicators that your son has been growing up in an environment where he is often told what to do, while ignoring what he thinks or wants.
Thus, a fascist environment might suit him, because he might find comfort in being used to navigating such environments with clear hierarchies.
So, have you asked yourself why it has come to this? Why did you disconnect from your son in the first place? Was it truely pure Anger, or did you hope for a certain reaction?
Why did you write you are "planning to reconnect", not "hoping to reconnect"? Why do you need or want your son back in your life? Why would he want you back in his life? Can you accept him as he is? Is he allowed to say "no"? How would a "no" make you look and/or feel? How would a "yes"make you look and/or feel?
Why did you tell him "This is not how I raised you" ("I don't want you to be like this"), instead of helping him get to the bottom of why or why not he might think fascism is a good thing? Can you understand his decision, even if you might not share his morals? How do you think he feels? Does he deserve an apology?
That's a lot of questions.
I'll give you some more context. I only came to this decision after driving with him for 10 hours up to Portland, where he worked for 6 months, and then driving him back down for another 10 hours. All the hours of which we talked quite deliberately about our differences of opinion. This wasn't a spur of the moment thing.
My son is a lot like me, and all my other children. We are opinionated but rational. Indeed, I am planning to reconnect, and I hope he feels the same way. But that's not up to me. It depends on how it goes.
In the end, he is my son, I have made choices, and I indeed regret quite a few of the ones I've made. I hope to rectify this one, this one that has severed my connection with my child. I talk with my other three children regularly.
You might think about how much you are thinking about other people's comments on the internet though.
Why should he worry about how much he's thinking about your comment? Isn't provoking reactions part of posting something like that publicly or was it mainly meant as venting?
I actually agree with his sentiment but wouldn't really be able to explain what exactly irks me. I think there can be value in reflecting on how relationship dynamics or social environments contribute to people drifting toward more extreme views. That doesn't mean it's your fault or that you're responsible for his choices. But your first comment came across as if you saw yourself as having little or no role in the dynamic at all and I don't think that's true.
I think it actually makes sense to think about some of the questions posted by @Ediacarium@feddit.org. You might be able to better understand why you reacted so strongly.
if I may ask, what are you hoping to achieve by trying to regain contact with someone whose fundamental values differ so greatly from your own? They may be your son, and you can still love them from afar and the person they used to be, but I think you shouldn't compromise on your principles and break bread with him unless he himself wants to be someone worth associating with.
It's probably much easier for me to say than it is for you to do, but I would strongly suggest actually not approaching them at this get-together, and instead seeing if they approach you first. If they don't and just pretend you aren't there, I wouldn't say they're someone you should be overly concerned about connecting with.
I think this depends on the relationship.
My father is the one that slid fascist. My approach with him is similar to what you describe.
If it were my child I would feel a responsibility to try to help them find the right path.
Certainly, but if ~18 years of parenting wasn't enough guidance, what more can be done? At a certain point, they have to make the decision themselves to change, and if they won't there is little sense in trying to force it or provide further guidance. Further, this doesn't exactly sound like a small difference of opinion if they're calling their own kid "fascist", from the way it sounds it's probably a lot more than just wearing a red hat, this son might well have become a straight up unpleasant person to hang around and engage with; and I don't think one should be obliged to entertain fascists regardless of how you know them, they should be shunned, at best.
I agree no one should be obligated to entertain fascists. I disagree that one ever stops having the responsibility of being a parent and I prioritize that above all else in this context.
(There is no universal truth, your right for you and my right for me can diverge)
Is it not also your responsibility as a parent to teach your child that many others (certainly not all, but many) have a strong moral compass and many will choose not to engage with them if they espouse repugnant views? Including you, the parent.
I can think of nothing more potent an indicator that maybe I've fucked up pretty badly than my own parents deciding my moral compass is so warped it's not worth interacting with me. Assuming they're otherwise loving parents who aren't seriously warped themselves, that would be right up there with "big bright red flashing electric billboard by the freeway calling me a humongous asshole by name" as far as signs that I need to make a change go.
For context… do you have kids?
I'm only replying to the first part... There's a lifetime of guidance that can be provided, as patents, you usually have only their best interests in mind and want them to learn from your mistakes. My dad is older now and still I listen to his advice or model a lot of what I do based off his success (or failures). My son is grown and I hope he does the same for me. I hope to always be a role model in that sense. As guys we don't always talk about feelings or deep personal stuff, but if I can non-verbally help him out, I'll do what I can to be that person!
I've seen him three times in person since I cut off all other contact. He's approached me every time. I'm pretty sure the interest to reconnect is there.
I love my son, I truly do. I may not ever be able to correct the mistakes I made in bringing him up, but it doesn't truly matter. Unless he actually does something egregious, I won't forswear him.
The worst thing he's done is espouse some ideologies I don't agree with and pursue an engineering degree.
well, again, I don't know the situation -- when he approached you, has he ever offered any indication these views he's held are changing? Or is he still actively praising the orange turd? Because if you've set a clear boundary that you don't want that type of person in your life, it's not a good idea to go back on it. I wouldn't want that type of person in my life. I don't. I'm very grateful I've not had to cut off any family because of it, yet.
Love them, support them if they desperately need your help, but there is not a single person in my life I know or have known whom I would willingly welcome into my world ~~who pursued an engineering degree~~ who actively espouses harmful ideologies, those that make rich men richer and sets poor people fighting each other over culture wars, or actual wars sending kids off to die in far corners of the world. And when you take those ideologies to their extremes, you get gas chambers and world wars.
If they don't know the harm they cause (and that they're assisting in by supporting), then make it a teachable moment. Show them the consequences of supporting fascism -- show them Don't Be a Sucker, show them photos from concentration camps or testimony from the Nuremberg trials, show them how right-wing authoritarianism is harmful to everyone. Show them the parallels between the historical atrocities that right-wing populism has been used to justify, and how they connect to the actions of the men now in power. If they know about the harm and don't care, I'm not sure how I could actively welcome someone like that into my life.
I'm probably not telling you anything new with my rambling, I'm just spitballing. You've probably thought a lot more about this than I have and tried plenty, I don't know the situation; but I empathize with your predicament greatly. Nobody wants to cut family out of their lives, we all want to see our kin be the best they can be.