Ask Lemmy
A Fediverse community for open-ended, thought provoking questions
Rules: (interactive)
1) Be nice and; have fun
Doxxing, trolling, sealioning, racism, toxicity and dog-whistling are not welcomed in AskLemmy. Remember what your mother said: if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. In addition, the site-wide Lemmy.world terms of service also apply here. Please familiarize yourself with them
2) All posts must end with a '?'
This is sort of like Jeopardy. Please phrase all post titles in the form of a proper question ending with ?
3) No spam
Please do not flood the community with nonsense. Actual suspected spammers will be banned on site. No astroturfing.
4) NSFW is okay, within reason
Just remember to tag posts with either a content warning or a [NSFW] tag. Overtly sexual posts are not allowed, please direct them to either !asklemmyafterdark@lemmy.world or !asklemmynsfw@lemmynsfw.com.
NSFW comments should be restricted to posts tagged [NSFW].
5) This is not a support community.
It is not a place for 'how do I?', type questions.
If you have any questions regarding the site itself or would like to report a community, please direct them to Lemmy.world Support or email info@lemmy.world. For other questions check our partnered communities list, or use the search function.
6) No US Politics.
Please don't post about current US Politics. If you need to do this, try !politicaldiscussion@lemmy.world or !uspolitics@lemmy.world
7) No Hit-and-Run questions.
Please don't delete your post for no apparent reason. If you plan on deleting a question later, say so in the post, or if you feel that you have a good reason to remove it, message a mod beforehand. It's not fair to the ones who took their time to answer, and it's not in the spirit of the community.
8) No Bots.
Posts or comments from bots, LLM's, AIs, Neural Networks, Transformers, or Marvin the Paranoid Android are not welcome in AskLemmy. Real humans only please.
Reminder: The terms of service apply here too.
Partnered Communities:
Logo design credit goes to: tubbadu
view the rest of the comments
I know a lot of kids who came from abuse, maybe as bad as you've dealt with. You're not a monster. It's not your job to create a relationship with your parents, or even want one, it's theirs. So many millennials, not just Americans, felt they should have kids, full stop. No plan, no idea, no help. When they figure out quickly this isn't for them, it's too late to turn back. They can give up the child and the way people see them, or try to keep up the farce. To some, being seen a certain way is more threatening than some kid not liking them. So they just play parents, and usually make the kids upbringing the kids fault or their families. I spent a lot of weekends at my Grandparents house, hiding from the things my parents wanted me to do. Instead doing the things I wanted to do. I'm glad I was allowed that space as a kid because I don't know how messed up i would be without it. What's crazier is they claim to have 100% raised me, as though 99% of the things I do came from them, not my grandparents. People get very silly when they aren't honest with themselves. I hope more people know being honest about yourself doesn't mean you have to change, but you can't be afraid to see yourself as you know yourself. If you suddenly become a parent and you're not ready, you're fucking up your life and the kids by pretending you can when you can't. Usually these people have strong enablers too, not unusual in people who struggle in general. Those enablers might be useful for getting a job, or trying something new, but not being a parent. You probably know this already, just wanted to commiserate for a moment.
Sadly my grandparents were either far away (father’s parents, both a handful of nonsense) or dead (mother’s mother died when I was 6, father when my mother was 8).
They are/were silent generation, but born just before the baby boom. So despite both growing up in pretty bad poverty, they lived in a time of prosperity that is hard to comprehend now. Probably why they could afford to adopt a foreign born child in the early 70s, along with many other fiscal excesses.
I’m happy with my family of choice. Wife of 37 years, wonderful granddaughter who got married this past weekend and some truly odd choices like my wife’s ex-husband’s estranged second wife who we sort of adopted into close family.
Also, it was my aunt (mother’s best friend from childhood) who raised me. She lived with us from the time my mother’s mother was dying until I left for college. I’m still very close with her and dread her loss as I see health issues mounting.
It's strange how you'll go your entire life with no love for your parents, but you'll see the love just went somewhere else. It's sad we only notice when it's gone or leaving us though.