We met on the dating app, and our 1st two dates were amazing. He even said he's impressed by how naturally we clicked and conversation flows. I felt this magnetic pull and wondered if it might be what I hear about when it comes to the real thing. It felt different, and I was so excited for our potential future together. I'm very attracted and couldn't stop thinking about him. I felt seen and heard.
For context, I've had a rigorous career-focused few years, and vacations were overdue. I really needed to take more time to myself for my overall well-being and health before my next role starts, so I recently booked two trips: a long one with family and then a short solo one with two weeks at home in between. During those weeks, I met up with this guy in person after we messaged back and forth for about a week leading up to my long trip a couple months ago.
Our chemistry and banter is great, and I thought we had a strong connection, but I feel like I'm being faulted for things I didn't technically do wrong and it seems to be a pattern. He followed up prematurely during my long trip after I made sure to give a heads-up that I would be unplugging (I replied as soon as I could and didn't apologize for the delay or think of him as crossing my boundary at the time, just glad he followed up and showed interest). Then he arrived 15 minutes early to our 2nd date and I was apologetic saying I may arrive 5 minutes after the reservation time due to traffic after an important professional meeting but I'll be there ASAP; I ultimately arrived right on time but he later half-jokingly said that I arrived late, to which I half-jokingly said I was on time per the original plan. He also complained about parts of the venue (I initiated/planned this date). He did hold my hand and kiss me but it was all tongue which threw me off (I thought maybe that's just him wanting to be warm so I didn't flag it right away). I was relieved he didn't try to be physical on our first date as I'm tired of guys trying to get me to be casual with them. We briefly mentioned our intentions, and he said he wouldn't continue with someone if he didn't see the long-term potential.
Our date wrapped up with me saying I was going to unplug during my upcoming solo trip but I would text him as soon as I was back and he said "we can plan something". That same night, he did initiate the goodnight text and liked my first text but ignored the second one saying enjoy the event he asked me to attend with him but I said early on I may be traveling during that time which turned out to be true. I tried not to read into it because it's still early in our interactions and maybe he went with another girl or felt a bit bruised that I couldn't drop everything - even though it's just that I meant what I said.
As promised, I warmly texted him as soon as I could after my trip before realizing he had unmatched me. I was shocked to see that. My phone got water damage while traveling but I highly doubt that erased only him from my app. I'm also unsure if I possibly missed a text from him in the few days between losing my phone and getting a new one, but most likely not. Either way, his tone is colder now and he said we "could possibly" plan something once he's done packing for his upcoming move, but it doesn't sound reassuring and he literally said "will do" aka it fizzles out and he's hoping we don't need to have the clarification talk.
Please help me out, friends! I would really appreciate any help or advice. What exactly made him change his mind? What should I do or say to him? Did I do anything wrong? I don't want to be made to feel guilty/ashamed of the time I needed to take off, and I thought it was the right thing to start the conversations earlier versus wait. Should I ask for a call if he doesn't follow up for a 3rd date? Should I keep trying with him even if I have to "chase" a bit since my schedule has been a bit unpredictable and abnormal?
This is way too much drama for two dates. That's why he moved on. I would too. Life is too short to be dramatic about someone you barely know. You are way too invested and overanalyzing every little thing, and frankly, it's miserable to date someone who is like that. You know nothing about this guy, all you know is the fantasy in your head you have built up about him.
I've had so many interactions like you are describing, and always it's the case that while you feel a connection I'm basically just tolerating you hoping you will chill out at some point, but usually things just escalate and it's easier to walk away than deal with the dramatic breakup text or phone call. It's also miserable to try and date someone who won't actaully date you because they are 'too busy'. You likely came across as cold, difficult, and unavailable to him.
I appreciate your input, but I feel the need to clarify how I'm seeing it. I can understand wanting to avoid drama and my intention is not to stir any of that (I'm tired too). I was just looking for a simple text out of plain courtesy rather than a sudden unmatch leaving me blindsided. I never alluded that I was too busy; in fact, I initiated and thoughtfully planned our second date, left the unavoidable professional event early to arrive on time, and believe it's valid to want to maximize vacation time by unplugging rather than text someone I just met and have an uncertain future with. He stopped texting as soon as he finished planning out the first date (which he was indecisive about even choosing a place) which should have been the first red flag. It sucks to hear that I was way too invested and yet came across as cold, difficult, and unavailable - completely opposite scenarios. I had genuine intentions all along and feel that I deserve direct, mature communication given how invested he came across to me in person, or maybe that was just a show.
It's also worth noting that we talked about deep topics on our first date just standing side by side looking at a really nice view. I’ve never gotten that personal with someone and we discovered all these coincidences of things we have in common but also areas where we’re different and tease each other in good fun. If that’s not it, what is? It felt like if this isn’t it I don’t want it, which makes this that much more disappointing and disorienting.
Intimacy.
Halluva drug. You need great parents and/or therapy in order to taste it.
And once you get your first taste... it's all your life is about