Hi friend, fellow member of the ACE high score club here. I also find the simplification of these kinds of topics triggering. It's hard to see people boil down the complexities of CPTSD and other childhood trauma-related conditions in ways that can feel cold or indifferent to the challenges that come from living with them.

The frustrating truth I've found is that both things can be true at the same time. We didn't ask to be born into a situation that changed our developing brains so much, and we didn't sign up to carry the consequences of the choices our caregivers made on both our bodies and our minds. It's not our fault this happened, and it's not fair that we should have to work so hard just to appear "normal" to others and be accepted by them.

Unfortunately, though, the naked truth underneath the pain is that, regardless of how fair it is or isn't, it's up to us to address the reality we find ourselves in. We have to do the hard work that got dropped on us if we want to live in a way that isn't agony all the time. There are people available to help, but no one else can save us. It's like managing any other diseases that randomly pop up and decide to ruin lives. No one asked for MS, either, but they still have to either address it or do nothing and suffer.

I completed a year long CBT course, and it was really hard at first. It focused on maladaptive behaviors that impact how you treat others. Much of it discussed anger or rage toward others and how to look at your emotions differently so you don't harm your relationships. I'm very skilled at masking, and my FFFF response is fawning most of the time. Because of this, I got frustrated about thought these lessons didn't apply to me. I already know how to contain my emotions and play nice with others, I thought, so what is this doing for me?

Over the months, I realized I was saying and doing all those damaging things not to the people around me, but to myself internally all the time. I was taking all my anger, resentment, pain, and feelings of inadequacy on myself. It hit me like a truck. I absolutely did need to learn that material, I just didn't see where I needed to apply it.

I'm sorry for the long diatribe, but your comment really resonated with me. I could feel your suffering as I was reading. I just wanted to share so you feel supported and understood, and I hope you're able to make progress and find some peace as you continue to navigate this. If you'd ever like to talk, please don't hesitate to reach out. I'll be thinking of you.

I'm sympathetic, I've got my own pull telling me I'm terrible and that I don't deserve love, that if I'm not perfect everyone will abandon me. But I also recognize my responsibility to minimize harm. It wasn't easy, but I learned how to step away when I'm feeling destructive emotions and I've spent years working to heal the wounds (actually just recently started EMDR, but I also learned CBT techniques years ago).

Damage done because of trauma is still damage done.