Today I Learned

Thanks for the gold, kind stranger

EdIT: Wow, this blew up!!!1

EDIT2: Omg, an upvote. I am touched. My thanks go out to my wonderful parents, my supportive spouse, my agent, my agent's agent, my second-favourite child, my therapist, my therapist's therapist, my high-school drama teacher who said I'd never amount to anything, the guy who held the door at the audition, my personal trainer whom I've never met, my dentist for the quiet moments, my accountant for the creative moments, my lawyer for the other creative moments, my neighbour's dog who barked encouragement at 03:00, my neighbour who owns the dog, the other neighbour who sold the dog to my neighbour, my mother's cousin's former roommate, my great-grandfather's horse, the horse's reluctant biographer, my childhood imaginary friend and his imaginary lawyer, my ex, my ex's new partner, my ex's new partner's ex, whoever left a half-eaten sandwich in the green room, the sandwich, the farmer who grew the wheat for the sandwich, the weather on the day the wheat was grown, the sun for showing up that day, the planet the sun lights up, my sourdough starter, Kevin, the other Kevin, the third Kevin who insists he's not a Kevin, my cat, my cat's imaginary rival, the vet who still won't return my calls, my Wi-Fi router for never giving up on me, the 14 % of the Wi-Fi signal that actually reached me, the man who invented the chair, the chair I'm sitting on right now, the tree that gave its life for the chair, the tree's family, the squirrel who stood by the tree, the squirrel's pension fund, the lady at the bus stop who nodded at me in 2009, the bus, the bus driver's mother, the pothole that built my character, the municipality that never fixed it, my left knee, my right knee for staying out of it, my append8x, which sadly could not be here tonight, my 3,412 followers, all four of them, my sleep paralysis demon for the stellar company, the voice in my head that said "go for it", the other voice that said "don't", the third voice that was just humming, my houseplant Gerald, Gerald's late predecessor, Gerald II, the mysterious stranger who once told me "nice shoes", the shoes, the cobbler of the shoes, the cobbler's cousin who dabbles in cheese, the cheese, the mould that made the cheese great, the lactose-intolerant colleague who still came to the cheese party, the alphabet for the letters, the number 7 for being consistently reliable, the number 8 for being a sideways infinity of encouragement, gravity for keeping me grounded, whoever invented Tuesdays, the Tuesday that changed everything, the stage, the floor under the stage, the Earth under the floor, the cosmic dust that made the Earth, the Big Bang for its explosive support, whatever came before the Big Bang for being so non-committal, my future self for pulling the strings, my past self for not stopping me, the multiverse versions of me who didn't win and who I hope are doing fine, the Academy, which I'm told is not who is giving me this award, the person who actually is giving me this award, the person who is confused why I'm still typing, the orchestra playing me off, the orchestra's union rep, the exit sign that has been glowing meaningfully at me for the last ten minutes, this guys dead wife, and finally, you, yes, you, for reading this entire list. You know who you are. I don't. But thank you.