this post was submitted on 08 Sep 2025
250 points (94.3% liked)

Not The Onion

18033 readers
1308 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Please also avoid duplicates.

Comments and post content must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
[–] atzanteol@sh.itjust.works 58 points 5 days ago (4 children)

Candidates for sainthood require two distinct miracles attributed to them: Acutis was first beatified in 2020 after a Brazilian boy with a pancreatic defect was cured, following his mother's prayers to Acutis to help her son. The second miracle involves the reported healing of a Costa Rican girl who suffered a serious head injury after falling off her bike in Florence: her mother prayed for the girl's recovery at Acutis' tomb in Assisi, and her daughter made a full recovery.

Quite, uh, remarkable "miracles".

[–] DarkCloud@lemmy.world 23 points 5 days ago

I feel like maybe Acurtis 360 no scoped that girl off the bike, then came back in as a healer and brought her back to full health.

...kind of cheating.

[–] jwt@programming.dev 12 points 5 days ago

According to Carlin's theory, 4 prayers to Joe Pesci (PBUH) should suffice for sainthood.

Joe Pesci: patron saint of smashing things with a baseball bat.

[–] pyre@lemmy.world 9 points 5 days ago (1 children)

wait isn't it the mom who should be a saint then?

[–] Flax_vert@feddit.uk 8 points 4 days ago (2 children)

Nah, basically, the logic is that since he allegedly healed her, that he is apparently alive in heaven and no longer in purgatory. Thus becoming a saint as his salvation has been "proven"

[–] Opisek@lemmy.world 2 points 4 days ago

A blind study should be performed for a proper empirical proof. Sample size of two is not going to cut it either. Pump those numbers up to reach statistical significance.

[–] Evil_Shrubbery@thelemmy.club 1 points 4 days ago* (last edited 4 days ago)

Feels like we could get two miracles attributed to that famous painter, just for shit & giggles, having a Saint Hitler would be funny (if not for the distress caused to the survivors). Other satins have a much lower kill ratios (up to a few thousand only??).

(And ofc /s, choosing saints is a completely political process addressing Church's needs.)

[–] ChanchoManco@lemmy.zip 1 points 3 days ago

So people were praying to random dead people? How does that work? Doesn't make more sense to thanks the medics that treated those kids?