Ask Lemmy

It feels awesome as a man to get your prostate massaged. Try it!

"Er, excuse me, everyone... is this... is this thing on? Can they hear me? Can they?"

"Finally, I've done it, I've created the first step of human instrumentality"

Please listen carefully to the following broadcast. Your survival depends on it. Do not, under any circumstances broadcast ends suddenly

"3... 2... 1... FIGHT!"

People of Earth, your attention, please. This is Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz of the Galactic Hyperspace Planning Council. As you will no doubt be aware, the plans for development of the outlying regions of the Galaxy require the building of a hyperspatial express route through your star system. And regrettably, your planet is one of those scheduled for demolition. The process will take slightly less than two of your Earth minutes. Thank you.

"This is God. Quit it with the killing each other and ruining the environment I made for you.

Don't make me come down there."

Be excellent to eachother, and party on dudes.

I'd say "You have all disappointed me."

"You have been chosen. Tell no one. The false idol must be killed."

Then just watch the chaos unfold.

Hello World.

you just lost the game

On a very full breath, I can do the "badger badger badger badger bager badger badger badger mushroom mushroom" like barely 3 times. So I would get that out like 18 times. My hope would be to cause a worlwide earworm with that terrible song.

It's either I do that, or cause a worldwide rickroll without the backing track. See how far I can go.

Be sure to drink your Ovaltine.

System reboot in five minutes

Or

Man its been awile since I logged into this game

I'm not sure I could get it out in 6 breaths but I'd try to read a great little piece:

"The Pale Blue Dot of Earth.

Look again at that dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every "superstar," every "supreme leader," every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there--on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds.

Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.

The Earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand.

It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known."

— Carl Sagan, Pale Blue Dot, 1994

If you want to hear this moving quote in Carl Sagan's own voice (I recommend it):

Pale Blue Dot

List of a random string of numbers in a monotone voice, have people go insane trying to figure out it means

"Why do we have to suck like this? Can't we just stop the bullshit and realize who our real enemies are?"

THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS!..

“Alright, we can kill it. Do we want to roll back the save or start over?”

There is a very high risk of wildfires nationally. Residents, landowners and visitors should not undertake any activity that could start a fire, including disposable barbequea, firepits, garden incinerators or fireworks. Even a small flame can rapidly develop into a major wildfire placing lives, homes, businesses and emergency responders at risk.

Follow official updates and report signs of fire immediately by calling 999. Search gov.UK/alerts for more information.

"Test, test, testicles. That is all."

I think I'll say "I am the Lord your god. You guys are sure fucking the climate up. You'd better lynch those oil executives and have a communist revolution before I send a big fire. I promised no floods, fires are still game."

"A NEW HAND TOUCHES THE BEACON!," etc.

WARNING: INCOMING GAME

Hey everyone, the Lord here. The Jews aren't allowed to have Israel anymore. I'm giving it to the Palestinians, because the Jews wouldn't behave. The Jews can have the moon instead.

"No religion was ever correct so far. Ludo was the son of all gods of the universe all along"

Either that or "12 naked cowboys waiting to be fucked on Ram Ranch"