this post was submitted on 18 Sep 2026
123 points (96.9% liked)

Not The Onion

22488 readers
1604 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Please also avoid duplicates.

Comments and post content must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, ableist, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 3 years ago
MODERATORS
top 14 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] Omega_Jimes@lemmy.ca 2 points 1 hour ago

It's wild to me that they posed. Not that they stopped that, or that there's a news story about it. But that they posed.

[–] Jubei_K_08@lemmy.world 7 points 2 hours ago

They're posing with the shit paper as if it were a pile of cocaine 🤣 I hope America the beautiful was blaring while this photoshoot went on.

[–] db_null@lemmy.dbzer0.com 15 points 3 hours ago

Did anyone make sure they didn't touch the children?

Assuming the serious drug bust pose around toilet paper is meant to be a joke - that’s pretty funny.

[–] GreyEyedGhost@piefed.ca 2 points 1 hour ago (1 children)

Now those kids will have to rebel in a safer way, like drugs.

[–] GreyEyedGhost@piefed.ca 1 points 1 hour ago

I just noticed what has to be a trained butt-sniffing dog.

[–] LordMayor@piefed.social 1 points 1 hour ago

You know more than a few of those rolls are going to mysteriously go missing from the evidence locker. smh

The photo with the pallet of toilet paper is, admittedly, hilarious.

[–] HeartyOfGlass@piefed.social 29 points 4 hours ago

Good job, boys. You foiled the nefarious plans of those high schoolers. Really earning that salary.

[–] clifmo@programming.dev 6 points 3 hours ago

Oh my gosh there was a notorious period in HS with TPing and revenge TPing. The rich kid car dealer Dad got hit and MAN did they overreact and get pissed.

Their nanny was there at the time and felt threatened. A stuffed a tailpipe caused damage. All sorts of exaggerating lies. Oh man, it was the best.

[–] disorderly@lemmy.world 58 points 8 hours ago (3 children)

According to police, the estimated street value was $1,708.66.

Once again, they're inflating their numbers by extrapolating the street price for a single use against what's clearly a distributor quantity. They're probably also adding the weight of the pallets into the net total.

[–] Mister_Feeny@fedia.io 17 points 5 hours ago

You don't even have to hit distributor quantity for that price to be obviously a complete load. I can get 16 mega rolls of angel soft brand for 10 bucks at my local Safeway right now. 62.5 cents per roll. And if you're buying it to TP someone's house, you're probably getting an even cheaper brand.

They're claiming each roll has a street value of ~$2.63. Basically 5 times that amount.

But aside from the money, the cops are presenting this as preventing all sorts of property damage which...fuck right off with that. TPing isn't damaging shit. You pull it down from the trees, you put in a garbage bag, you go on with your day. Nah, they just wanted to deny these kids the fun of an amazing TP war. Teens are always gonna push boundaries and find fun in rebellious activities, and I feel like TPing is one of the least destructive things they could be doing, frankly.

[–] DegradationDenial@feddit.nl 7 points 6 hours ago

I didn’t know toilet paper had street value but now that I do, how do I best become the kingpin in 3fold?

[–] LodeMike@lemmy.today 10 points 7 hours ago

That's what street value means

[–] Assassassin@lemmy.dbzer0.com -2 points 2 hours ago

Wow, good work. Very cool and useful.