Ask Lemmy

I mean this is easy - start intentionally going to places where “looking good” isn’t the organizing principle.

Find a hobby - hiking, gardening, books, pets. Hang out with people who value and are interested in things you value and are interested in. If you have something interesting to say and someone is interested- suddenly you have a much more interesting connection than “he thinks I’m hot”.

It seems great to have people treat you well because you are pretty - but in reality it means they don’t give two shits about who you are or what you think and will be dishonest with you to try to get in your pants.

Most pretty women really suffer when they get older and lose that “free pass” because the only social skill they ever learned was “look good”. If you learn to really listen and care about others, to be a good friend, to make people laugh - learn how to be an appealing person in a way that has nothing to do with looks. It will give you a much much more satisfying life for much much longer.

I'm not good looking, so I've got to be funny instead.

No one has ever helped or protected me except my parents. [...] nobody else gives a damn about me.

I don't know how strong a network of good platonic friendships you have, but that goes a long way to give you this once your parents are no longer around.

"Pretty privilege", it's real. If you're not pretty, be fun ! at least that stays relevant throughout the years.

Best wishes,

Here’s a question even if you are ‘ugly’ are you of less value?

No, you are not.

There are people who do not fit the definition of pretty. They might be hairy, or disfigured etc, but you can also see unique. Do they deserve happiness and a place in society, Absolutely.

You have start seeing past pretty. You are who you are and the quicker you learn to love yourself (warts n all) the easier life will be. Looks fade, Self confidence, happiness and inner assurance are attractive traits, for men and women.

They attract shit men and will be divorced at least twice by 40, then they are no longer as pretty.

Well I think first you have some things that are not totally accurate. Everyone has mean things said to them at some point. Not all guys are looking out for them in particular. Some guys will be a bit more protective of women. Some won't. Some will front to impress what they consider to be a pretty girl. I don't see why girls would have their back more. Ones I know would not have some strange pretty girls back instead of their friend who may be less pretty or such. Someone prettier will likely make better first impressions and such but they can still get in trouble or be not liked by people because of some other aspect of who they are. you actually sound a bit like my wife. its actually very hurtful to say no one cares about you when you have someone who literally has you and your well being in mind with every decision and action.

I think a lot of people would find you prettier than you'd expect. For me personally, what's considered very attractive to most people looks fake and boring and less smart if I'm being honest. I don't think I'm alone in thinking like this.

You are pretty.

Looks are vastly improvable with exercise and diet. If you treat your army of cells better, they will reward you by feeling and looking better. You are young still and will therefore be able to see what I’m talking about much faster than the olds. Get a pair of running shoes, YouTube some at home workouts, keep an exercise journal, and stick with it. Soon you will be feeling better, and looking better, which isn’t something to feel bad about wanting. Don’t do it for the guys. Do it for you. Do it for the spite.

If your someone that hangs out on social media, bare in mind that it can alter your perception of beauty to unrealistic expectations.

The truth is that ugliness is only a problem with first impressions. Once people get to know you, your "ugli[ness]" will disappear and your facial features will just become a representation of who you are, on the inside. Forgive me, I don't know if you have a medical condition but I know people with Treacher Collins that are capable of having friends and finding love, and I promise you can too. We can say it's unfair that beautiful people get all the attention but ugly people tend to have the best people as friends.

I wish you the best.

If you want a confidence boost, wearing an outfit you really like helps. I wear a 3/4 full length cloak and strut down the street, and my brain goes, "yeah. I am that cool. I'm the coolest one here 😎" which really puts pep in my step. Or if I pull together a good goth fit, same thing.

Buy or make some clothes you love, or accessories you love. Develop fun hobbies, and that will help you make friends!

Help and protection usually come from investing in relationships with other people. Very few people get that experience by default. Find your people and be a friend.

And if you're looking for a partner, step 1 is still making friends.

Try to learn to value yourself for something other than looks. It can be HARD and takes real work and introspection, but you can learn to decenter beauty from your life and shake off the self-hatred. It won't necessarily change the way people treat you, but at the very least, a sense of self-worth will give you some armor.

To be clear, I'm an objectively ugly woman. Fat, pale, frizzy haired, extremely asymmetrical, the works. Things that have worked for me have been pursuing hobbies, solo travel, reading a whole lot, getting into fashion, and seeking therapy, of course. I also find it helpful to seek out opinions and perspectives online from folks who don't fit the beauty standard - fat people, disabled people, unconventionally attractive people, etc.

Sending nothing but love and empathy your way. I was in a very similar spot at 23, and I'm happy to say by 29 I think I've come to accept myself despite my looks.

still feeling this way at 23

Implying 23 is an advanced age or when someone achieves great wisdom is incorrect. There's a long way to go and a lot to learn.

how nicely everyone treats beautiful women

It is called sexual capital. It is a genuine advantage, but only one of many in an unfair world. Some are born with financial advantage, or social advantage, or aesthetic advantage, etc.

You have no choice but to make the best of what you've got. Anyone can capitalise on what they have. I'd argue the majority of attracting people's positive attention and admiration has to do with being clean, neat, groomed, well dressed, sociable, keeping physically fit and looking after your skin (all things you can change). Some even may find it liberating that they don't get unwanted attention and can be judged on their other merits besides just their looks.

It is difficult to undo social programming, but you can be attractive in very many ways if you can let go of the narrow way society portrays attractiveness in the media.

Movies taught me that you just need to take off your glasses, and then everyone will see how beautiful you truly are. If you're not wearing any glasses, then I don't know - I haven't seen that movie yet.

On a more serious note, insecurities don't go away just because you're an adult. You need to work on them, for example via a therapist, until you'rehappy in your own skin. And stop comparing yourself to others, that's generally a usual source of misery.

I used daily affirmations to reprogram my brain and love myself limitlessly.

after I transitioned I struggled with these same feelings. A friend sent me this meme:

I loved this and I took it to my therapist and I said ‘I want this but obviously I can’t use this’ and my therapist asked me why I couldn’t use it. She taught me how to do verbal affirmations, out loud so your auditory system processes them directly into your brain. I spent months telling myself out loud every night how kind and loving to myself I was. That I loved myself limitlessly. That I took such good care of myself because I loved myself so much. That I was beautiful exactly how I am.

It was faking it at first but over time it worked because you never met a girl who loves herself as much as I do. I was able to wipe away decades of toxic self and external programming with a few months of this practice.

I believe that we have to be our own champions in this world. Beauty is very subjective individually but if you can see yourself as beautiful that’s all that truly matters because it affects how you hold yourself and present to the world and people can’t help but respect that in a way. I know there are lots of women who may be objectively prettier than I am but it doesn’t matter I’m gorgeous and I love myself limitlessly and I spend my time with people who treat me with respect, compassion and love.

There are many paths but this one worked for me. Therapy is really important. Good luck sister!

Do you really want that kind of superficial attention? It may look nice on the outside to have people fawn over you but you know internally they are only being nice because they want something from you. Do you want genuine relationships or transactional ones? You don't really want to rely on people who only treat you nice because of your appearance. If someone is rude or mean to you due to your appearance, you should be thankful they showed their ugliness rather than being manipulated by shitty people with that mindset.

Have you read Rage becomes her? It really helped me feel less completely worthless. It takes time to find your people. A bit of a cheat I've found: take some classes, like pilates or watercolor painting or whatever, and make friends with the older ladies. They are usually hilarious, and they will lift you up.

Yeah, world's a bit cruel to ugly people. Nothing you can do but grow some self-confidence.

I'd talk to a therapist first.

Looks, or looks?

I mean, is it stuff they DO or something they are? I had a sort of duck-to-swan progression, your day may yet come, and if it's a styling, grooming, taking better care of themselves thing, and if you actually want to look more "beautiful" you likely can, by finding your style, taking care of yourself, and not worrying about looking good to anyone but yourself. If you were friends with you, would you call your friend ugly? I hope not. Be a friend to yourself.

There will always be someone better looking. There will always be someone smarter. There will always be someone richer, someone more magnetic, more outgoing and comfortable.

If you are really suffering, it's your mind doing that to you, not your looks, and please know that if you had supportive parents you had more than a lot of people do.

Honestly you just outgrow that. It's developmentally appropriate for teens/young adults to become obsessed with their looks. Then, you continue to develop yourself intellectually, engage in interests, and manage your mental health, and you move past that. Eventually you become brave enough to find a relationship and begin navigating life with another person. You learn that the way you treat others influences how they think of you way more than your looks. I'd suggest a dating book and also feeling good: the new mood therapy, because it'll help you identify when you're thinking irrationally.

Talk to a therapist and stop comparing yourself to others. Focus on learning to love you, for you, no matter how that person turns out.

For starters, stop staring at them and comparing yourself to them.

You need a hobby. That might help.

Life is unfair, fixating on it is pointless. Someone will always be better than you. The point is to set goals for yourself and work on achieving them, rather than being bitter that other people have stuff you don't, and might never, have.