ADHD

I'm late here, but you need technology, friend.

This for example:

But when there’s mold starting to grow between the tiles in the bathroom I probably won’t notice it for a long time and, once I do notice it, ignore it :P

Or, it took me over a year to finally get rid of our broken washing machine. My wife has asked me to take care of it and I said I would but then months passed and nothing happened.

Set reminders on your phone. Get it to NAG you. You don't have to do this stuff immediately, but trust me, setting the reminder is doable.

Default calendar apps are good, but there are more complex notification systems you can use as well.

Sometimes it really isn’t (last week I almost set the oven on fire)

For big events like this, write it down in a journal. Then go back and read it every once in awhile; it keeps the mistakes 'fresher' in your brain.

There are tons of little things like this, but basically, whenever you run into a failure, reach for a tool to compensate. Don't just wish your brain can do everything by itself; it cannot.

Maybe, as sad as it is, we’re better off apart and would be happier on own own / with someone else.

Finally, I find its easy to be in a "negative trap" with ADHD. Make small positive improvements, like highlighted above, and consciously keep a more positive attitude.

...Also, your SO should encourage you when improvements happen.

If she doesn't, talk to her about it. Express that you're making these habitual improvements, and ask her give little bits of encouragement, to nag you about setting reminders; whatever you need. External praise (even in tiny amounts) is very important.

And pure negativity is a trap.

If she can't stay positive about small improvements, that's a problem. You two should talk about that in therapy, or at least have a deep, calm, planned chat about it.

Maybe use an LLM to read this…

Edit: I did ask LLM to rewrite it so it is more understandable, for raw version see below:

I’m in a similar situation, just with a 6-year-old child. Our relationship has gone through several cycles: things work for a while, her workload gets heavier, everything builds up, and eventually it becomes too much and we hit a crisis.

After those moments, I try hard to stay organized and keep things running. But suddenly a week comes where I lose all structure, have no plan, things stay undone, and tasks pile up again.

Last year I messed up by taking drugs at parties and not telling her. We’re not anti-drug in general, but the fact that I hid it caused her a lot of pain. Now I’m trying hard again, but since yesterday I’m feeling mild burnout symptoms. My opinions keep shifting too fast, so I struggle to express them clearly.

I don’t know if this helps you directly, but you’re definitely not alone. Many couples with ADHD face the same pattern. I hope you don’t have financial stress, and maybe showing her how other ADHD couples struggle could help both of you feel less isolated. Just try not to use ADHD as a permission to give up — getting organized is hard, but staying organized is even harder.

We’re planning to define our responsibilities clearly. We now use separate calendars so each of us knows exactly what they are responsible for. We’re still working on the household tasks too.

What helps me is keeping one big “dump list” to capture everything — I use Apple Reminders. Then, at a regular time, I sort the tasks into categories (household, family, personal, hobby project, startup group) and rearrange them by priority. With this system, I can create time blocks for each category and simply work from the top down.

Financially we also need changes. I thought my spending was controlled, but it wasn’t. So I’m planning an analysis of our expenses and will set up one main family account for income, plus two small accounts for ad-hoc spending (snacks, lunch, Pokémon cards, raves, etc.). Each month, a set amount will move from the main account to these smaller ones.

Finally, I’ll organize my recurring household tasks in the reminder system too, so she won’t need to remind me anymore.

😃✌🏻

Raw:

I am in a similar situation, but with a 6 year old child..

With our relationship it happened multiple cycles so far

Things kinda work, workload of her hets higher and higher and it builds up until it is too much and we have a situation

After such situations i try hard to keep stuff going, in my mind, planned etc

And suddenly there starts a week, where I have nonplan what I shoud do und things keep undone and task pile up again

I fucked up last year by taking drugs at partys and did not tell her (we are both not anti-drugs per general, but I did not tell her) so now i have caused so much pain

And bow i try hard again, but since yesterday I have weak burn-out symptoms again

And I flip between different opinions, can’t say my explicit opinions, as they change too fast

Ehh

Well, I don’t really know how this could help you, but at least it shows, that you’re not alone, there are many many many people with exactly this same situation, more or less

Hope you have no financial struggles, and maybe show her how others ADHS couples have same struggles

Just try hard not to use it as permission to get lazy, it is hard to get organised, but way harder to stay organised

I plan to define with her clearly who has which responsibilities and we have now not one shared calendar but one for each, so we can define responsibility for events clearly

We are still working on the houshold topics and stuff

But what I think really helps, is to have a list of stuff to remember to dumb everything in. For me it is an apple reminder list

Than i have a regular time frame where I sort those task into categories (household, for family, for me, for my hobby project with friends, my startup group) and sort them by priority from top to bottom

With having such list I now can create time frames that are mapped to each of those lists and when such a time frame comes i can just work from top to bottom

Money wise, we need adjustments as well, because my spending seems controlled to me but turns out, is not. So here I will create an analysis on what spending we have and set up a main money storage for family spending where earned money flows in and two money storage for ad-hoc spending like snak or lunch or Pokemon cards or raves etc. Where depending on calculating i still have to do each month flows a bit from main storage of money.

Hope that solves

Ahh and in the reminder list inplan to organise my repeating houshold tasks as well, so that she won’t have to remind me in the future

😃✌🏻

Couples counseling.

Do a few months of it together.

Check out the Fever app for local date night ideas. I have found a few fun things like candlelight music, dining in the dark, escape rooms, etc.

Check out Everout for local things like comedy shows, book readings, events, night markets, and other things to do that sound interesting to you. Actually commit to going to one.

Write notes. It sounds corny, but it takes 5 minutes and means a lot, even if you're a rambling mess. Tell her how much she means to you in physical writing.

Find a new meal recipe that sounds good to you. Make the food, get some wine, and ask her about something she is interested in. Listen attentively, and ask questions.

I struggle with ADHD as well. I am always thinking about something else. I am not an extrovert. These ideas are things you can do with your partner, or any new partner/friend. When it comes to whether you should separate, that's something only you can decide. If you want to make it work, it does take effort - a relationship is a two way street, or a dance you can't do apart.

Did you get a diagnosis?

If not, it's possible this is anxiety from the relationship in a bad feedback loop.

You seem to have some avoidance, she seems removed emotionally(exhaustion), and you both probably need to work on boundaries.

I don't mean to project. My last relationship of 5 years is almost perfectly described by your post including seeking an ADHD diagnosis in therapy. In my case it turned out she was never able to be emotionally available to me in the first place. That drove her to be critical of me and not provide intimacy which in turn caused me to be in a constant increasing state of anxiety about what next thing will I have fucked up. Severe executive dysfunction...

Maybe couples therapy is a better investment than therapy for you individually.

Not adulting enough: is the issue that you are not working or that she doesn't feel you are carrying your part of the domestic work?

If the problems started 5 years in the relationship, it sounds more that you guys grew apart. Your ADHD might be a factor in that, but it can't be the only thing, since no one suddenly develops ADHD at the age of 38. Doing the math it also seems the problems started during Covid, so maybe that's another factor? It was a rough time for everyone. Anyway, I wish you all the best and don't beat yourself up too much.

Have you told her this, just like you have here?

Someone already mentioned couples therapy, but I want to reinforce that. Yes, there are ADHD coping skills that you are personally working on. But if you're both interested in improving your relationship, there are things that you can work on together (and many of them won't be ADHD-related).

When you're looking for a couples therapist, if you can find one that's experienced with ADHD, that might be helpful.

One last thought. Sometimes when we have ADHD, we have some internalized ableism. I see some of that in your post: "took me a year to get off my butt," "I wasted a whole year doing nothing." Both of those statements imply you were "lazy." Executive dysfunction can make simple tasks much harder. ADHD people often struggle with medical care. Things like finding a doctor, setting appointments (showing up on-time to an appointment), and getting prescriptions refilled can be huge hurdles. The key is to find systems and supports to help you handle those challenges.

It's hard to lose a relationship, it's even harder when you realise that you could have done better, but we are all growing and learning at our own pace and it is rarely beneficial to fault ourselves for not being better at a time that we did our best.

I am sorry for what you are going through, but I hope you can see that as hard as it is, you shouldn't blame yourself for not having the skills that others have when you had struggles that others never did.

I'm sorry to hear you're in your position. Failing marriages are always awful, and when it's caused by disability it can be that much more uncomfortable.

And I'll say that, I relate a lot more to you in this situation. I could never marry someone who needs me to function like I don't have adhd, which is why I married someone who's more like us. I knew what I was getting into and so did she and the loads we share are built on the reasonable expectations we always had, like that things won't always be as clean as we might like them to be and that dinner plans are subject to how much effort we have the capacity to put in at the time.

Keep working on your mental health, and show yourself kindness and forgiveness. Not only do you deserve such things, they're also the most effective tools you can get to help you improve your ability to function outside of pharmaceuticals

I wish you the best <3

I also wanna say that I there's overachievers but only on very narrow disciplines. On average, no one has their shit together and the more people look like it, the less they do. I hope you continue to learn about yourself and become happy again.

My now wife has ADHD, and I definitely feel like I take on nearly all responsibilities. It is exhausting and frustrating to no end.

I worry that my wife will feel she's having to be a parent to me more than a partner, I bring it up when I'm feeling like I've put a lot on her shoulders and we have good communication.

One thing she said really helped her understand was the book "Is it you, me, or ADHD?" Specifically, there's a line in there that essentially says asking a person with ADHD to focus better is like asking someone to take off their glasses and just see better.

From experience, when there's problems in a relationship, it's hard to be positive and the more you tiptoe around the person or argue the easier it becomes to fall into that void and soon it's just a snake eating its own tail, no matter how much love you have for the other person. It's very hard to break that cycle and keep up the energy.

As for becoming more of an adult, habits are huge for me so creating ones that will work for you is the place to start. The hardest thing for me to break was being sure I'd remember a thing this time! Now, if I have something to remember later, I grab my phone and type it into a note app. Then when I remember I'm forgetting something, I know to check my notes. Or, the other big one, asking Google to remind me of things. "Hey Google, remind me at 3pm tomorrow that I need to call the doctor" and then I put it out of my mind until the notification pops up on my phone the next day and I remember to thank past me for making things easier for present me.

And now the hardest bit I have: being in a relationship where you're taking care of the person is hard. I was in one back in my youth and as soon as I knew the person was going to be ok I knew I was done. I spent so much time making sure they were ok that when they were I realized there was nothing left for me in it. I think it's ok to ask that question, no out of anger but from maturity. Sometimes drama is attractive and could be a reason someone stays. Objectively, do either of you feel the need to go on? Of you weren't married do either of you feel like you would shake hands and walk away? Don't get stuck in an emotional sunk cost fallacy, neither of you deserve that.

Good luck.