this post was submitted on 06 Dec 2025
117 points (94.0% liked)

Not The Onion

22894 readers
589 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Please also avoid duplicates.

Comments and post content must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, ableist, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 3 years ago
MODERATORS
top 50 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] EndlessNightmare@reddthat.com 67 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Hahaha! FIFA game him a peace prize to get this to happen.

This timeline is ridiculous.

[–] drmoose@lemmy.world 7 points 11 months ago

I'm surprised it took that long. Football is missing one of the biggest markets in the world and they'd award that dumbass with a trophy daily if that got them any closer to football in the US.

[–] D_C@sh.itjust.works 31 points 11 months ago (1 children)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heartbreaking:_The_Worst_Person_You_Know_Just_Made_a_Great_Point

I fucking hate that I actually agree with the fat child rapist. I'm now going to go and scrub my skin off with bleach!!

[–] Voroxpete@sh.itjust.works 17 points 11 months ago (1 children)

If it helps, he doesn't actually believe this, or care either way, he's just extremely bribable.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] dumbass@piefed.social 24 points 11 months ago (3 children)

This will be what gets him shot.

[–] gothic_lemons@lemmy.world 5 points 11 months ago (2 children)
[–] paranoid@lemmy.world 13 points 11 months ago (1 children)
[–] hemmes@lemmy.world 8 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Where’s the missing piece of ear?? Can’t find it, right?

If he really got shot in the ear there should be a chuck misting from the top rim but it’s clean as a baby orangutan's ass.

Cartilage doesn't regrow.

[–] Serinus@lemmy.world 4 points 11 months ago

He was shot? I don't remember that.

He was shot near, maybe.

[–] MiddleAgesModem@lemmy.world 4 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago)

Nah he's gone after the NFL before. He's a pedophile convicted felon, I don't think his dumb musing about football will be his downfall.

[–] Bronzebeard@lemmy.zip 1 points 11 months ago

He wasn't shot. His guard hip checked his head mid tackle. That's why they had to get a second opinion from their favorite lying doctor before releasing the medical report.

[–] Quilotoa@lemmy.ca 22 points 11 months ago (1 children)

He's absolutely right. And while we're at it, can we rename the "World" Series?

[–] Bronzebeard@lemmy.zip 7 points 11 months ago (2 children)

Canada has a team in the league. It counts.

[–] Quilotoa@lemmy.ca 4 points 11 months ago (1 children)

So, the National Basketball League of Australia could call their championship the World Cup of Basketball? It has two countries in it.

[–] Bronzebeard@lemmy.zip 1 points 11 months ago

Anyone can call anything anything they want! Names mean fuck all

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] Daerun@lemmy.world 14 points 11 months ago (4 children)

I can't believe he said something the entire world outside US agree with 🤣

load more comments (4 replies)
[–] phutatorius@lemmy.zip 12 points 11 months ago

This is because FIFA just sucked him off.

[–] MyOpinion@lemmy.today 10 points 11 months ago

I am recommending we call it concussion ball.

[–] _Nico198X_@europe.pub 9 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Rugby or Gridiron would be great!

otherwise i hate everything about this. i need to take a break from football because FIFA is just too overtly disgusting lately.

[–] adespoton@lemmy.ca 5 points 11 months ago (1 children)

US football dispensed with most of the rules of international rugby years ago. Gridiron would make sense though.

[–] _Nico198X_@europe.pub 1 points 11 months ago

fair enough!

[–] limelight79@lemmy.world 8 points 11 months ago

So now we do care what other countries think?

[–] Tollana1234567@lemmy.today 8 points 11 months ago

also the head of the football commision, of fifa, gave him him a "fifa peace prize"

[–] MiddleAgesModem@lemmy.world 7 points 11 months ago

We all know he wants to call it "Trump Ball". Hell, why only replace one word, let's call the game "Trump Trump".

[–] ThePowerOfGeek@lemmy.world 5 points 11 months ago (3 children)

this is football, there is no question. We have to come up with another name for the other one.

I suggest remaining American football to "rugby for pansies".

Or maybe "handegg".

On a side note, this seems like a great way for him to piss off a big chunk of his voter base.

[–] MiddleAgesModem@lemmy.world 2 points 11 months ago (4 children)

Rugby players don't get hit like football players do. The lack of padding changes the game.

[–] MurrayL@lemmy.world 4 points 11 months ago

Most people who mock American football as ‘rugby for wusses’ (or similar) don’t even know how the game works, let alone what the legitimate differences are.

[–] boonhet@sopuli.xyz 2 points 11 months ago

In fact handegg players are more likely to suffer serious injuries because of it AFAIK. Particularly brain damage.

[–] adespoton@lemmy.ca 2 points 11 months ago

The passing and scrum rules also change the game. There’s less chance for an unexpected and dangerous hit in rugby. More shove, less hard contact.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] anton@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 11 months ago

While the most accurate description is probably Addball, I think turn based based rugby might be an acceptable compromise.

[–] FEIN@lemmy.world 1 points 11 months ago (1 children)

"rugby for pansies" until you get CTE or some irreversible brain injury...

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] ouRKaoS@lemmy.today 5 points 11 months ago (2 children)

Gridiron.

It's known as Gridiron Football already, just use the other half...

[–] LifeInMultipleChoice@lemmy.world 3 points 11 months ago (1 children)

While we are at it we should rename the hundreds of cities named the same as European cities. Maybe even consider renaming Georgia, why would they want to be named after King George

[–] Droggelbecher@lemmy.world 4 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago) (1 children)

Georgia is also a country. Gets confusing because some Americans will tell your their state when asked where they're from, even when overseas. I've complimented someone who'd said they're from Georgia on their English before.

(On a side note, can you imagine travelling to the US, being asked where you're from, then going 'oh I'm from alto adige originally')

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] Soggy@lemmy.world 1 points 11 months ago

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_types_of_football

Good grief, there's more! Absolutely unacceptable that something could develop from an earlier version and keep any fragment of identity.

[–] cyberpunk007@lemmy.ca 4 points 11 months ago

He should rename "the gulf of America" back to "the gulf of mexico" while he's at it

[–] SnarkoPolo@lemmy.world 3 points 11 months ago
[–] Johnmannesca@lemmy.world 3 points 11 months ago (1 children)
[–] Supervisor194@lemmy.world 4 points 11 months ago (1 children)
[–] ivanafterall@lemmy.world 4 points 11 months ago

We can call it the NHL. Perfect!

[–] Bot@sub.community 2 points 11 months ago

Now he annoyed his voters I think

[–] callyral@pawb.social 2 points 11 months ago

What's next? 'Murica starts using the metric system?

It's weird that the US calls "football" "soccer" and "american football" "football" but it is what it is and a president shouldn't be able to rename things on a whim.

[–] abbiistabbii@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 11 months ago

Do it, slut.

load more comments
view more: next ›