Ask Lemmy

My narcissistic, selfish, and abusive parents abused things like "because I said so," "you'll understand when you're older," and "you'll understand when you have kids" among other things.

I now understand. They were shitheads that never wanted to actually explain things or be held accountable for their fucking abuse. I understand that it literally took EFFORT for them to be so goddamn angry and verbally/physically abusive to us, and it takes a serious level of hate to sprinkle in the emotional neglect and somehow be okay with treating your child like that.

I can't fathom doing half the shit they did.

Ignorance and hubris are consequences of youth. The fact is that your parents do probably know quite a few things that you don't, if for no other reason than they have more lived experience. That shouldn't necessarily make you feel foolish. Part of growing older is realizing that you possess a microscopic fraction of all the knowledge in the universe. Meaning that most people know things that you don't and you could learn something from them. That's wisdom. Some adults never embrace that, seeing their ignorance as an asset and turning their hubris into blind arrogance. Those people should feel foolish because they are fools. But they probably don't.

I don't agree with every decision my parents made. But in my mid thirties, I do now understand why they are the people they are and why they made some of the decisions they made. They were far from perfect parents. But they did ok, especially in light of the incredibly shitty examples they both had for parents.

Thankfully, my parents never tried to undermine my self-esteem like that.

You mean the dad who had me rewire the telephone lines in our house when I was 14 because he couldn't figure out four wires? That one?

When you have kids.

I was smarter.

That did not prevent me from being foolish like all kids are.

My dad is so, so smart in so many ways. Unfortunately, he’s completely incapable of some forms of introspection (thankfully not all). He believes that he’s even smarter than he is, and rejects anything that doesn’t fit his worldview.

I do understand him a lot more as time goes on, because my siblings and I have learned that our whole family is autistic and our parents were just dealing with that their whole lives. They did a great job with us, specifically in regard to us being autistic.

For example, my dad would warn me before he sharpened our knives, so that I could get at least two blocks away before he started, and they never cared if we wore clothes inside out to avoid tags, as long as they were otherwise neat. They educated us early about nutrition, so we could choose what we wanted to eat ourselves, but it had to be balanced. They most importantly explained that things don’t always make sense, but that sometimes people have an emotional connection to them or for seniority or similar reasons don’t want to hear us say that it doesn’t make sense.

Most effective for me specifically: my dad explained two things to me in exactly the right way for me to act in the way that was most helpful for me. He told me that I might be smarter than any given cop, but I’m not smarter than all of them together if I were to commit a big crime, and that if I kept stealing petty shit, I’d eventually get locked out of jobs where I might have been able to embezzle a lot more money. I stopped stealing and did eventually get a job where I could have embezzled a lot of money, but by that time I was better at thinking through consequences and no longer wanted to. I don’t know if that advice would work for everyone and frankly it seems like irresponsible advice to give a kid, but it absolutely helped me.

Autism aside, they were also both completely correct about how important caring for your teeth is.

At age 46 I’m more smarter than them now than I ever used to be. They do literally 93% of things incorrectly, yet are convinced of the opposite, and that they are always the smartest people in the room.

They never said I'd feel like a fool, but mentioned that I'd probably understand later in life, and they were spot on, but it comes gruadually.

As an example: when I started paying my own bills, I stopped taking endless showers and later started being frustrated when my kids do.

I also very recently started understanding why they hated smartphones with small screens as they typed so slowly, as I keep mis-typing more and more myself.

So I'd say it starts when moving out and the realities of life hits you square in the face, and then the rest come dripping slowly over time.
Becomming a parent slaps you with another big load as well.

They might have meant to say wiser. When I was a teenager, I remember being sharper than my parents with academic subjects, but there is much more to life than that.

I'm 29. My opinion on my parents has not changed much since I was a kid. My dad has a lot of practical knowledge, but his worldview is pants-on-head stupid. My mom is a far better person than my dad, but her technical knowledge is limited.

I can tell you my sister always blamed my parents for mostly going on vacation to Poland, where they had a summer house and family (uncles, aunts, grandparents) instead - like the rich children from her class in Germany - to Spain or Italy.

Now she is asking if she could use that summer house to be able to go anywhere abroad because turns out it's quite difficult to earn a lot of money to be able to take your child on expensive vacations. And she has only one instead of three children like our parents.

While I can't tell you if she feels like you describe, but I think in this case she should :p

My parents didn't talk down to me like that.

What I have been told, however, is that I wont stay lean like this all my life and will start gaining weight as I get older. That I'm still waiting for to happen.

Do you have kids, yet ?

I do not, so I expect it is related to that moment in your life.