The kind of expert Waffle House hires or feeds:

among roughly two dozen workers and regulars interviewed this week at Rome’s three Waffle House locations, none said they were aware of anyone traveling to the 24-hour restaurants by paranormal means,

blacked out and came to at a Waffle House

I have a proposal to add this to the Waffle House FAQs, if they have them.

Q: I teleported to Waffle House. Am I a god? Was I abducted by aliens? Am I the most important person in history?

A: While we cannot definitively rule out any of those things, every time this has happened in the past was due to the customer blacking out and going to the only place that was open at the time. In fact, this situation accounts for a large portion of our revenue. Don't think of yourself as a pathetic brainless drunk loser. You're an important part of the economy.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Understatement

Understatement is an expression of lesser strength than what the speaker or writer actually means or than what is normally expected. It is the opposite of embellishment or exaggeration, and is used for emphasis, irony, hedging, or humor.

Understatement also merges the comic with the ironic, as in Mark Twain's comment, "The report of my death was an exaggeration."

I haven't teleported since this one time where I immediately got lost and had to ask a dragon for a ride home. I woke up naked on my neighbor's porch with a tattered ribbon of red silk tied around my penis.

It's terrible what the aliens do to people after they scoop them up and before they teleport them back to Earth. There's probes and prodding and general dubious medical practices. That's probably what causes it. I've heard they use certain solvents to pacify people first though, so you might fail a breath test when you first return.

And for some reason it's always right after twenty beers