Ask Lemmy

My understanding of fetishizing is that it has little to nothing to do with physical characteristics, but is instead determined by stereotyping.

Saying you have a preference, even a strong preference, for physical traits that are more often, or even exclusively, found in a certain group is simply what you're attracted to. Saying you prefer partners from "X" group because (insert list of stereotypes) is fetishizing.

For one example, consider the language that incels and people looking for "trad" partners use. They talk about preferring certain ethnic groups because they think all women from those groups are submissive, more feminine, adhere to traditional gender roles, etc., that's fetishizing.

I think its one of those spectrum things. Preference <---> Fetish.

If you are interested in the person as well as the attribute, its probably more on the preference end, but if all you care about is the attribute, that's when it strays into fetishisation?

Also matters how you express the preference. If your tinder profile says "women of colour only", thats gonna come across more creepy than if you left that out, and just matched with whoever you found attractive.

It's only a fetish if it becomes the primary (or only) source of arousal. Having preferences isn't a fetish. I am pansexual, but lean more toward preferring men. This does not mean I fetishize men.

X is an ethnicity? What the fuck is wrong with Elon Musk?

I always had a thing for certain traits and features often associated with Asian women (no, not the Hollywood kind of Asian women). It doesn't mean I 'm looking at Asian women with lust in my eyes nor that those traits are exclusive to 'Asian women'... whatever that means. I mean, I'm French and there is no such thing as a French woman or man.

For me, it just means that very early on (aka, I was still a little boy) I felt more attracted to those traits than to others and I could find them more frequently associated with 'Asian women'. Where does this attraction comes from? No idea, it just is.

And in case anyone is wondering, nope my spouse is not Asian and we've been doing fine for the 25 years and counting we've been together ;)

If the race is a must, then yes. If the race is a preference, then no.

I think part of the problem is the use of terms that are so broad that it becomes racist.

Let's say you are an american with irish roots. You are "white" but you are not the same "white" as an american with Finnish roots. If you were to say that you are attracted to black women, what does that mean? Does it mean you are attracted to dark skin? How dark? South sudan dark or namibia dark? Are you talking about facial features? Body shapes?

Point is, saying that you are attracted to black women is a sign that what you actually mean is that you have an idea in your head of what features "black" women have and then assuming that it is true for all black women, which is racist.

No, that’s not a fetish.

People only call that a fetish because of ingrained racism.

They think interracial dating is somehow abnormal or unnatural, which is how they land on the term “fetish”.

I.E. someone is telling on themselves when they suggest that interracial dating is a fetish.

As long as both parties have knowledgeable consent, then what does the label really matter? You like what you like(legally speaking). The only people who should feel ashamed of what they're into are furries. Filthy things.....

(I kid, but only just.)

My only 2 serious dating relationships were with Asian women. I don’t really have my own social circle, so theirs became mine.

My best friend is from Vietnam/Cambodia, my other friends are her family and social circle.

To people looking at me from the outside, it looks like I have a preference or even fetish for Asian people. But for me that’s simply not true. My friends happen to be Asian, my past dating life happened to be with Asian women. But that doesn’t define me. Though, due to the stereotype of the White man with “yellow fever”, it would seem that it were so. I don’t give a fuck what people think, so it does not affect me.

I don’t date women anymore, and have only had encounters with Black and White men. It’s just how things have gone, which is fine with me; I go with the flow.

To have a preference for a certain race or ethnicity is not problematic. To have a dating profile that says “X’s only”, is a red flag at best. I’d avoid anyone who says “White Trans Only”. Even though that is who I am, I wouldn’t want to be with someone who sees me as less than a person and more of an object for their desires. Life is too short to limit oneself to only a certain type of person, whether it be race, ethnicity, or other immutable trait. I’d like to think that my future mate will like me for my personality and lived experiences. If they happen to also like me because of what I look like, that’s fine too.

Perfectly reasonable to be attracted to physical traits or customs (clothes, hairstyle, body modifications) that are typical for a particular culture or ethnicity.

The problems start when attraction is contingent on belonging to a particular ethnicity.

I think it is a fetish when it becomes the central and most important part of sexual attraction. If I as a Latino only see attractive, let's say, Asians women, and I only focus on Asians women and I'm only looking to date Asians women, I'm ferichizing them.

(And just in case, no, I don't have an obsession with Asians women. I find Latinas and Black women more attractive).

Maybe, but I'll tell you something. I never had much attraction to a race different than mine. However, I ended up living in another country for three years for work and over time developed a real attraction to a different race. I'll say I was even more attracted to them than my own. I especially noticed this for a few months after returning to my own country. After a few years of being home, though I'll say I have mostly reverted my preferences.

I guess it just showed me that attraction can be very situational and likely the more prevalent race in a country often set the beauty standards.

It is not "natural" to prefer one ethnicity over another. That's because ethnicity isn't a material condition that evolution could adapt to in any meaningful way.

Not to say that ethnicity isn't meaningful as such. Boarders, sovereignty, and money are also abstract constructs that effect great influence over our lives.