Ask Lemmy

My girlfriend-at-the-time's dirty, dirty ass. Thought it would be like in my fantasies, where it tastes like candyfloss and smells like a Yankee candle. Nope. Shit. Just shit.

If you're curious, shit tastes exactly as it smells. I wish I didn’t know that. Although I'm happy that now you, too, know that.

And she had the nerve to dump me later. I deserve a Nobel peace prize for not recoiling in horror and instead just powering through in silence like a fucking GENTLEMAN.

On the bright side, it became a great way to ensure future partners were cognisant of the issue. I'd drop it into the usual "what was your ex like?" gossip sessions that come with new relationships. It's like saying "please wash your various holes if I'm gonna go rooting around in them like an ant-fiending aardvark" without actually saying it. A cautionary fable from days of yore to guide the next generation.

P.S. I'm still pro-anilingus. Just... clean the fuckin' thing first. I don't need to be picking dingleberries from between my teeth, thanks.

I've eaten ass

A particular man's penis. I realized too late that he didn't routinely clean under his foreskin.

Malort

Tastes like turpentine and grapefruit juice. The former I've actually tried accidentally... dipped my paint brush in my cup of water and took a swig of the other cup. Somehow, the malort was worse. Learned recently that they make a barrel aged version that they claim is

dare we say, sippable

We do not.

Cat treat. Ate it on a dare. It was fucking foul. 0/10.

Well, there was natō, which is just slimy fermented soybeans. Had a taste like rotten sick and a texture like milky mucus covering half-mushed beans.

Not a fan of sea urchin either.

Also eaten a few expired food items that made me very wary of repeats, and usually put me off the food in question for at least a year. Rotten fruit cup that tasted like acetone, slimy off ham, chunky lemon milk.

Last, I once tried to cook a ham hock in beans. Recipe came out tasting like what I imagine stewed human flesh would taste like. Just wrong. Couldnt say exactly why, but nothing about the smell or taste told me it was edible. It was the most visceral "you're-eating-a-dead-thing" feeling i've ever gotten.

Gasoline. Had to siphon, did it wrong, mouthful of gas.

Live ants.

This was 30 years ago. I lived on the second floor of an apartment. I left a half-eaten bag of Little Debbie chocolate donuts on the floor next to my bed. The next night, in a dark room, watching David Letterman, I remembered and reached for the bag. I was three donuts in before I noticed the slightly strange taste, and the ant crawling on my face.

Ants taste a bit sour and bitter.

This thread's got me curious about what my dick would taste like.

Friend gifted me some of this, and it's truly awful.

A mouthful of expired chocolate milk.

I bought a bottle of choccy milk at a gas station, got one for my kiddo too. I go to take a swig and its... chunky and stringy. I went back to the store and they exchanged both bottles of milk. They had to go find two that weren't expired.

I just make my own at home now.

Maggots. I've been chasing the high ever since. They were hiding in a pineapple flavored Swiss roll. I thought the maggots were coconut flakes at first. Pina colada is a good flavor. The maggots popping like boba didn't set any alarm bells off. It was better than the usual coconut crunch. The maggots wriggling against my gums and tongue didn't set any alarm bells off. It was the only time I ever chewed something that felt carbonated. The lone maggot crawling across my couch away from certain doom finally clued me in. Half of his platoon just got eaten and the other half was without a doubt up next.

The same thing happened to my mom at some point when she was a kid. For her it was an Almond Joy or Mounds, which let the maggots blend in even better. Is it a once in a lifetime thing everybody experiences or a generational curse? I feel cursed with the knowledge that maggots in the right context taste like the fuckin' future.