Sometimes I fantasize about the parents who raised and subsequently deserted me weren't my biological parents. And somewhere out there, my real ones are looking for me and want me in their lives.
Ofc I'd probably let them down too
this post was submitted on 29 Oct 2025
51 points (94.7% liked)
No Stupid Questions
44118 readers
1663 users here now
No such thing. Ask away!
!nostupidquestions is a community dedicated to being helpful and answering each others' questions on various topics.
The rules for posting and commenting, besides the rules defined here for lemmy.world, are as follows:
Rules (interactive)
Rule 1- All posts must be legitimate questions. All post titles must include a question.
All posts must be legitimate questions, and all post titles must include a question. Questions that are joke or trolling questions, memes, song lyrics as title, etc. are not allowed here. See Rule 6 for all exceptions.
Rule 2- Your question subject cannot be illegal or NSFW material.
Your question subject cannot be illegal or NSFW material. You will be warned first, banned second.
Rule 3- Do not seek mental, medical and professional help here.
Do not seek mental, medical and professional help here. Breaking this rule will not get you or your post removed, but it will put you at risk, and possibly in danger.
Rule 4- No self promotion or upvote-farming of any kind.
That's it.
Rule 5- No baiting or sealioning or promoting an agenda.
Questions which, instead of being of an innocuous nature, are specifically intended (based on reports and in the opinion of our crack moderation team) to bait users into ideological wars on charged political topics will be removed and the authors warned - or banned - depending on severity.
Rule 6- Regarding META posts and joke questions.
Provided it is about the community itself, you may post non-question posts using the [META] tag on your post title.
On fridays, you are allowed to post meme and troll questions, on the condition that it's in text format only, and conforms with our other rules. These posts MUST include the [NSQ Friday] tag in their title.
If you post a serious question on friday and are looking only for legitimate answers, then please include the [Serious] tag on your post. Irrelevant replies will then be removed by moderators.
Rule 7- You can't intentionally annoy, mock, or harass other members.
If you intentionally annoy, mock, harass, or discriminate against any individual member, you will be removed.
Likewise, if you are a member, sympathiser or a resemblant of a movement that is known to largely hate, mock, discriminate against, and/or want to take lives of a group of people, and you were provably vocal about your hate, then you will be banned on sight.
Rule 8- All comments should try to stay relevant to their parent content.
Rule 9- Reposts from other platforms are not allowed.
Let everyone have their own content.
Rule 10- Majority of bots aren't allowed to participate here. This includes using AI responses and summaries.
Credits
Our breathtaking icon was bestowed upon us by @Cevilia!
The greatest banner of all time: by @TheOneWithTheHair!
founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
Yeah, for sure. Because mine have really never been interested in me as a person, only in what I could do for them.
Other than that, I don’t really have any evidence that I’m not their child, so perhaps they were just bad at parenting, but the thought has definitely crossed my mind more than once.
If my mother told me "Actually you are not our biological child." I would say "Ok, cool, are there any medical things I need to know about?"
The only other thing I would be wondering about is; are they rich? Do they want to give me money?
Parents are the ones that parented you. The other ones are just DNA donors.
I was not raised by my biological father so I have never put any stock in the notion that you have to sire a child to be its parent.
So no,
Certainly wished at times.
I dreamed and wished I was and that some loving family would find out and come take me away.
Found out when I was 20 that my mother hated my existence. She told me how she "had her whole life planned out" and then she had me. Probably explains all the crap I went through a a child. My father was never really in the picture but she had multiple abusive boyfriends around over the years.
For me to not be my mother's child I would had to have been taken pretty early on or switched at birth. I have memories to about 18 months old. Doesn't matter now. Learned later on in life that blood doesn't mean family.
I dreamed and wished I was and that some loving family would find out and come take me away.
Relatable xD
I'm sorry that you find this relatable. Unfortunately, I do too. It seems pretty unlikely that your parents aren't your real parents, but regardless, it's valid and okay to wish that you had different parents.
I don't necessarily wish that I had different parents, but more that I wish my parents were different people when they had me. That probably doesn't make much sense, but what I mean is that I am estranged from my parents because it wasn't possible to have an emotionally safe relationship with them. My mom in particular tried her best, but she was pretty messed up from abuse that she suffered as a child. I often wonder how things could've been different if she'd been able to get a bunch of therapy and find a supportive community before she had kids.
Like I say, it's okay to feel wistful, just try not to ruminate too much. The key thing to remember is that you deserve good parents, and it's reasonable to feel grief if that's not something you have; I've found that trying to force myself to not feel hurt by the unfairness can just make the sadness more intrusive.
Having shitty parents is a pretty tough disadvantage, and certainly I often wonder how many of my mental health problems are attributable to my childhood. Your background doesn't need to define you though. I know many people who, like me, became properly estranged from their parents, and felt liberated afterwards. It sucks that I had to go no contact with them, but after I had the freedom to build a life of my own, it was a healthy step. I also know many who were able to build a healthier relationship with their parents as adults — basically what I tried to do, but it worked out well for them.
The point that I'm trying to make is that you're not defined by your parents. Not now and not ever. Just never forget that you deserve love, care and respect, especially from your family. I've found this is a key thing for avoiding the wistfulness spiral into a deeper depression. If your blood family isn't able or willing to give you the support you need to thrive, then take it from me that family isn't just something you have by blood, but it can be something you build, and that found family is valid.
Instead of dwelling on it find something to make your life better. When my wife passed away I learned to SCUBA dive and bought some gear so I didn't need to worry about renting. Being under water for me is one of the best feelings I've ever felt, the world slows down and I can just live in the moment.
I honestly wish I could be in the water at least one a week but right now I can't manage it.
Yes, when I was younger. Parents then informed me I was adopted when I was three months old. Mom can’t have kids of her own. As an adult, I got a DNA test and ended up finding my biological mom and half-brother. I’m really glad I was adopted.
Do you have a birth certificate? Do you have access to a mental health professional?
Do you have a birth certificate?
Memories are fuzzy, but I should have one, since the N-600 required it.
That said tho, birth certificates don't exactly prove much, other than that I legally exist. I mean, what if that birth certificate was issued in the name of a deceased person? What if, hypothetically speaking, if these aren't my biological parents, and their original kid died, and they kidnapped me as a weird parental desire to fill in their now-dead child's place, used as like a sort of bandaid over their grief or something?
Idk maybe I read too much fucked up news stories or watch too many tv drama.
Do you have access to a mental health professional?
And no, I got a bunch of referrals but sort of procrastinated. I should probably schedule an appointment, this depression headache is killing me.
I don't have a driver license so I need my parents to drive me to doctors visits. Unless I'm gonna waste like $30 on Uber every trip, which I don't have the luxury of. And I absolutely cannot do public transit, tooo many people. My parents (if they even are my parents, that is) are busy all the time. I'm too broke, and I need them be with me to get them to pay the copays.
Oh fuck, ever since I stopped taking antidepressants, my thoughts just go fucking wild.
My dude, you should not stop taking those meds.
Prescription ran out, PCP told me to visit an actual psychaitrist, since there's not been any improvement and I've been kinda procratinating on the making appointments part. I don't have a driver's license to be going places by myself. (I hate public transit, too many people)
Then like I think a month ago, got a referral from the PCP, I did it online via video call, then they told me they are more of doing talk therapy and basically told me to go somewhere else if I'm "drugseeking" (they didn't actually say this, they used a more "polite" corpo speech like "oh sooo sorry, we can't really help you here, here's a bunch of referrals and fuck right off", (okay they didn't say that either, but that's practically what I got from it))
So I was supposed to find another place to seek treatment, but all I've been doing for the past month was binge watching TV and Anime. And ruminating on childhood, both the trauma and the rare happy moments, having another existential crisis. Really just trying to keep the suicidal thoughts at bay.
Oh they charged $500, for a 30 minute call jesus christ, insurance dropped it back to $150, but oh well I hope my parents pays for it. Because they caused me depression in the first place.
I did a quick search, each session after the initial evaluation could still cost like $200, not sure how many sessions insursnce cover.
Lovely right? Very lovely. Wanna speed run it and maybe reincarnate into Norway. Jesus christ.
Skip the referral nonsense and look for a ccbhc mental health place. They often get written off as being for druggies and homeless, because they're grant funded and required to offer services, but they do service everyone and they're normally far more inclined to help you than charge you. Mine even offers a sliding scale based on income. They'll not only hook you up with a therapist, but likely med management and potentially peer support.
It must be tough, these sounds like pretty intense feelings and thoughts. Have you considered remote mental health options? I've used them in the past and found them useful
Has anyone ever doubted their parents are their parents? Most teenagers about their biological parents during puberty.
Is it possible that you were abducted after running away? Yes. Is it very likely? No. These cases are rare but get lots of news coverage.
If you're under 40, the lack of pictures of your childhood could be conspicuous. Most parents document the progress of their kids and after the advent of digital photography there should be lots of evidence to put your mind at ease.
get lots of news coverage
For context, this was when I was in mainland China, they didn't do Amber Alerts or really have a lot of new coverage. I don't think they would go out of their way to tell the public about it, "face" culture and all, it looks bad if these things get reported often. Kidnapping allegedly happened a lot in China, because fertility issues and One Child Policy. I remember my mother warning me about it, but I can't be certain if that was before or after that incident.
If you’re under 40, the lack of pictures of your childhood could be conspicuous.
I do have childhood pictures, but I really can't tell if its really me in the picture. It's not like I remember what I looked like.
Machine learning is so good now that it can ID your face as a baby as well. Not always, but with enough pictures you'll reach statistical certainty.
Other than that you could maybe test DNAs. On a less invasive level, if you know your blood type, you could ask your parents for theirs and see if that makes sense.
I would find it more likely the hospital fucked up and you got the wrong baby from the icu. As entering/post leaving said hospital there has always been a paper trail. Records they checked in, record of baby born, and birth certificate. Also birth certificates have changed a bit here, so if you look at your original birth certificate the listed parents had social security numbers listed, when you order a replacement they do not. Guessing a lot of people were worried about family members stealing identities or something. If I didn't have said birth certificate, I couldn't get a driver's license or anything else really, so unless they faked one well enough and changed records in the hospitals, it's a very low chance I was stolen. Now the number of men who are lied to about being the father is higher than that, and there are some rare cases of having someone else sign a birth certificate that isn't the biological father. I have known someone who lied to her ex about how long into a pregnancy she was, and had her new partner sign the birth certificate as the father to get legal paternal rights. (Obviously a shit show when the biological father finds out).
I was born in Mainland China, birth certificate would've been a lot easier to forge, if someone just bribed the right person.
Speaking of this topic: I remember watching a HK TV drama and one of the plot points was the villain's backstory was because he got swapped as a baby by a midwife who got bribed for it, so dude grew up, finding about the childhood he could've had, so he wanted revenge and killed the midwife. There are also mainland China TV shows about some kid got lost as a kid, and was actually used to be from a wealthy family.
(These TV drama plots are wild, I know right)
Unless you decide to independently verify everything you interact with, there is a certain amount of faith that one needs to keep to live day-to-day. I'm not talking about religion.
If I hold a rock in my hand and think it's a very old rock, but instead it was just a piece of concrete, does it matter?
To you, am I just a bot or am I a person very far away from you talking to you over the Fediverse? Does it matter?
Is the sun really there, or is it an elaborate hoax? Observing the sun and moving on is enough. Does it matter?
What does matter to you? If you ask me, you should care about a few things. Your own wellbeing. The wellbeing of your community. Your friends. The things that bring you any joy. (And if you have none, then if you work on your own wellbeing, you will be able to find joy after a certain point.)
What if you weren't biologically your parents' child, but they weren't aware of that fact, either? Like you got swapped at the hospital? What would that change for you?
Like you got swapped at the hospital? What would that change for you?
-
It would probably trigger an existential crisis in me. Identity crisis.
-
It could explain my depression and anxiety. I heard that the bond between biological mother and child is stronger, like there's a biology aspect to make the bond stronger or something. So maybe lacking the bond would cause issues with parent-child relationships
-
If my parents were aware of it, it could explain why they seem to be okay with abusive behaivors, afterall, it wouldn't "really" be their "real" child. As to why they would take me in the first place. I have no idea, I read weird stories all the time. Some rich family stole a kid from a poor family back in the 1900s in the US. Later DNA tests after their deaths revealed the truth.
-
I'd be more willing to just go no contact if I became aware of this fact. Not that I dislike the idea of adoptive parents, but its also factoring their borderline abusive behaviors. It would be the final nail in the coffin, this relationship would be dead and burried.
-
Citizenship issues. So everything gets retroactively annulled, citizenship, and my entry when I was 8 would've been retroactively made illegal. (This is a reason to not to the dna test)
But on the other hand, if DNA is confirmed to be a match, I would be slightly more comfortable with talking to them about my issues, I mean at least I can stop worrying about that weird obssessive fear and constantly questioning the past.
And I don't mean to offend anyone who was adopted, the culture I was raised in was different, so please excuse me for any offense.
Edit: Also, if the DNA turns out to not be a match, the first thing I'm doing is beating up my "older brother" who is not related to me by blood. Its basically stranger so I feel less bad to do a thorough beating.
It sounds like you are struggling with how your parents and the rest of your family treat you.
Does it make it better or worse if you were indeed their child?
In my mind, blood means nothing. Blood might be your starting place, but you can choose to keep who you want at any time. I only associate with people that do not mistreat me. I was NC with my dad until he died. He treated me like shit, so one day I refused to give him the time of day.
My ex was also horribly abusive to me. When I decided "no more," he got no special treatment from me either. I got a restraining order against him, like I would for anyone that would try to physically harm me.
Holding on to the past and keeping score isn't helpful for you. It's ok to remember it as the reason why you wouldn't talk to them (or gray rock if you must still associate), but to wish the score was settled? It is a burden on you. Treat yourself with the dignity you deserve, let it go, and heal.
It is not easy, but you are worth this work.
I realize that you see things that planted this seed in your head. I am telling you, that is not really the root of your issue.
What does matter? The people that you do choose. The things YOU decide are important.
Believe me, I know this. I have been mistreated for my childhood and early adulthood. I always wondered what I did to deserve it. Truth of the matter is, I was never likely to find the answer. I could spend a whole lifetime wondering, and for what? I just chalked it up to other people sucking. The way they treated me isn't a reflection of me, it speaks more to their own shortcomings. I still get mad at how they treated me sometimes, it's not perfect. But it has made my life a whole lot happier when I let this go. It's time for you, too.
At least for me, not for a second. I have distinctive physical traits from my father.
Thought about it sometimes as a kid. But eventually I started to look exactly like my dad.
No. A picture of me and my father from when we were kids should dispell any such suspicions.
I read a story about somewhere in the US, like back in the 1900s before modern genetics, that some rich family lost their child, and another poor family had a look-alike, so the rich family claimed it and of course everyone sided with the rich family. But modern genetics reveal that it wasn't their real child.
Even with photos, practically every kid looks the same, I can't even be certain if those photos are me or not.
I'm my own grandpa.
Fry, stop doing the nasty in the past-y
I always knew my dad was really my dad because he left.
For me I have a brother, and the family resemblance for both of us to our father is pretty obvious.
I also have never detected any inconsistencies in anything my parents have told me about when I and my brother were little.
I did, and shrugged it off
for me this is the same kind of questions as "maybe the universe was created 5 seconds ago". It's impossible to resolve, and doesn't change anything
Not impossible, I could ask for a DNA test, but that's gonna be really awkward and they might end up disinheriting me for being "disrespectful" even if they were my biological parents.
It does change something, if its a match, then I have one less obessive thoughts to worry about.
But if it comes out not a match... yea that's gonna be a problem. My legal status, US Citizenship, could be at stake, since I obtained it via derivation.
But I can't get over the OCD over these thougths... ugh...
They might disinherit you for being disrespectful? That's insane. Did they threaten you to do that? If the relation is that bad I can understand why you would care. My parents would just think I'm being weird.
I hadn't thought about a DNA test, but I definitely don't see how it could help me with my life. If it comes positive, nothing changes. If it comes negative, I don't see the administration doing anything about it. They won't even know you passed a test, even if they had procedures for these cases. You or your parents would need to bring up the issue in a legal procedure for the administration to consider it.
What I mean is that if you have issues with your parents or tutors, knowing what they are exactly does not fix the issues by itself (surely there is a better angle to think about it?). I understand that you would think about it, but if you don't like thinking about it, I think you usually don't need to invest yourself into it. Like, you can keep the obsessive thought without worrying about it. And that will make it stop over time. I don't know how much sense this makes, it made sense to me back then :shrug:
Definitely, but then thirty years later, I look just like my uncles, and my daughters are starting to look more and more like their auntie and I stopped worrying about it all.
Lol, that display name. [Log In] | [Sign Up]
Its reminds me of those old websites that don't even have javascript yet and didn't have a fancy "Log In" button.
Yes, it's normal.
Seriously, books have been written about this. Fiction I mean, but probably also some sort of analysis.
Never occurred to me in serious thoughts but could you do a DNA test to find out?
How do I just discreetly grab a sample? Yank some hair from them while they're asleep? Does hair even show DNA?
But yea idk about actually asking for consent for dna test, they might get offended by it.
I'm also worried about my Citizenship status.
Different methods all none invasive but check with kit first. For example getting old tooth brush or hair from brush. Could also bring it up in conversation see how they react. Like thinking ancestry test. If they panic you know something is up.
Can hair specimens be used for all parties involved with my DNA test? Yes. It is possible to submit hairs samples for two or more people involved with your Hair DNA Test.
I always looked too much like my parents, but your concern sounds like something worth addressing. Would a dna test help?