ADHD

Your partner has mental disabilities themselves that neither of you are aware of that you are compensating for on top of your own issues

Obviously you can't put every little detail here in this post, so I'm going purely off your side of the story and what details are available, just keep this in mind if you happen to ponder my reply.

A few things jumped out to me. First being that it seems you're trying hard to accommodate your partners condition (this really is amazing of you, so don't ever discount yourself in that regard), but they don't seem to be very accommodating towards your condition (ADHD). It can be hard sometimes with mental disabilities as they're occasionally seen as "invisible" conditions or "made up to excuse bad behavior", but I promise you, it's 100% real and isn't just a matter of willpower or something. It seems you already know this though, but maybe your partner doesn't. Have they ever said anything that comes off that they think that? It may be worth thinking about.

Another thing that jumped out to me, is that there was a few incidents of implied meanings or that you were expected to "read their mind" like with the shifted sleep schedule. Yeah, I see their POV, they woke up earlier, therefore they'd get tired earlier, but unless that was communicated, you don't know that was what should've happened. Honestly, this wasn't you being slow on the uptake or something, this was a lack of communication on your partners end. MAYBE you could've asked if they wanted to go to bed earlier that night, but it shouldn't be EXPECTED unless explicitly stated at some point.

No one can make decisions for you unfortunately, even if we'd like someone to take that stress away from us at times, but I will say that it is important you really try and look at things in your life and potentially prepare for a tough decision or outcome. I do hope things work out for you and your partner, whatever that looks like for both of you moving forward.

Stay strong, and continue to reach out to that support group, sounds like it might be helpful for you! I don't always advise reaching out to random Internet people, but if anything, I'm sure a lot of us in this community would be happy to help/listen to a fellow person going through life with similar struggles.

Yeah I do not think ADHD is the problem here…

Why can’t they start sleeping alone? Why do they require you for sleeping? Can you not join later when it’s convenient for you? Or if they are a light sleeper, sleep on the couch then?

I see so many things that I find extremely suspicious and weird. I would not think a relationship like that can ever last or can even be good, but of course that is just my view, I do not know you and maybe you are entirely happy. Which is good of course if that is the case.

But if it is not, I would seriously consider if whatever situation you’ve got going is actually good and correct for you. That sounds toxic to me.

I really don't think its your ADHD here. I have it bad. My partner lets me get on with it and goes to bed whenever she wants. We also split chores based on our schedule and to account for my ADHD she got us a whiteboard, because my greatest super power is to get absorbed in something and forget everything. Your partner could have taken the chores that night so you could do what you needed to get help for yourself.

My last relationship was a "need to be in bed at the same time" relationship. I remember when I worked nights and had a night off. We got into a huge fight which culminated into me going to lay down on the couch instead of next to her like she wanted. She then came out of the room and beat me around the head with a metal katana sheath (so hard that it dented).

This is a less of your ADHD problem and more of a "you guys need your own schedule and space" problem. You should iron out this attached-at-the-hip thing first. It's cute in the beginning of a relationship, but can ultimately end it in a very ugly way. It will lead to insecurity and turn into a relationship of need and envy. You gotta learn to exist alongside each other, not be one entity (despite what marriage and religion tries to tell you).

I've had two relationships. One for 7 years where we had to do everything together or else had to check in via text. That ended in both of us fighting and cheating (both sides) and never talking again. The second is a quiet coexistence. We can tell each what we're going to do with an open invitation. Sometimes we do it together, sometimes we want to do something else. That relationship is on 13 years and counting. We RARELY go to bed at the same time or wait up.

Sit down together and apologize for the belittling things you said. Explain what you have written here to them. These are words they need to hear. And then address the problem of not being able to do things like sleeping without one another. If they wanted to go to bed at 9:30, they should have been able to do so.

So... the dishes were important enough for your partner to berate you about them multiple times, but not important enough for them to do the washing-up while you were out? Are they always your responsibility? Did you have a mutual conversation and understanding about chore division, or has your partner implicitly or explicitly assigned certain chores to you?

What measures of responsibility does your partner take for their own sleep? Sleep mask? Ear plugs? White noise? Weighted blanket? Other measures? Or is it all on you to accommodate them?

Would offering to sleep on the couch if you come home after they're asleep feel like a reasonable compromise for you?

Does having a curfew set for you by your partner seem like a normal thing to you? Are you surprised that people here think it's not normal?

Does your partner regularly use belittling or derogatory language towards you as you've detailed here? Does it feel to you that using such language is justified by your ADHD?

Does this situation seem like a one-off thing, or is it often a problem that you have not read your partner's mind?

I think you've got some important questions to ask yourself here.

There are people in the world who are patient and kind and willing to create room for your idiosyncrasies.

Take this to mean what you will.

I think if you can access that still part of yourself that knows what is true and right for you then you already must have a strong sense of what you need to do. You have the right to surround yourself with people who love you for what you are right now, not for what they hope you might become in the future to suit their needs. I get a sense from how you wrote this post that you have an inkling that this relationship cannot give you what you want. Also, that it cannot give your partner what they want. Maybe it's just that you've arrived in that fork in the road where your journey together is simply at an end. I hope you find a way to love your neurospicyness and that you find someone who will enjoy it with you.

The very idea of co-sleeping is not to be accepted without thought. If you and your partner have differences in sleep needs, it is possible that you would benefit from separate sleeping arrangements. You could totally have a quiet time with them while they fall asleep like we do with our kid, but there's no reason either of you should sacrifice your needs just to sleep in proximity. It might bring you both together, give it a think.

Sounds like your partner is expecting you to read your mind, which can be an autistic thing. People with ADHD and autism tend to find each other.

On the other hand, you don’t need to be with someone if being with them is making you feel bad about yourself, it sounds like you’re just trying to cope. Not to say it’s anyone’s fault but if it’s not working it’s not working.

Your partner sounds like they have zero regard for your feelings or challenges, and care only if you are doing what THEY want, at all times. That said, you should be setting reminders. For EVERYTHING. All the time. Apple Watch is fantastic for me for this, but find something that works for you. All that being said, I’m jealous you have a partner.

I don't understand why your partner didn't just like, go to bed. Why did you need to be there?

…Even leaving aside how your partner seems to communicate poorly then blame you for any misinterpretations without taking any responsibility for their own bad communication…

Why does your partner need you to be in bed before they can go to sleep? That’s really weird.

Like, you know how I handle this when I’m in your partner’s position? I say “cool, sounds fun, please do the dishes when you get in, I’ll probably be asleep by then.” If I wake up a little when they get in, I roll over and cuddle. Done.

It sounds almost like there’s another reason they want you home, that they don’t trust you or something.

I know this post probably isn't the full story, but from what you've written, it your partner seems narcissistic and controlling. It sounds like they're unwilling or unable to extend you grace, or see things your way, but they expect you to conform to their needs.

I think it's pretty unreasonable for them to have a curfew for you, and even more unreasonable that they're angry about you being a half hour later than they assumed. (not to mention that you were literally at a group that you chose to go to specifically to be a better partner)

Also they get angry at you when you do the dishes, right after they told you to, even though they weren't sleeping? That's not normal behavior. A mature person would simply talk to you in the morning, not start a fight (I'm sure a fight has 10x the effect on sleep compared to distant sounds of running water for 5 mins) Even if sleep is really that important to them, it's unfair to expect you to tiptoe around them. Have they even tried white noise, or earplugs?

It's your job to manage your life and your condition. In this example you were doing that by going to the group and doing the dishes upon your return, and by communicating when you realized you would be a little late.

Similarly, it is your partner's job to manage their life and their condition. You are not responsible for their migraines, they need to have a plan for the controlled sleep schedule they need, if that's their trigger, a plan that doesn't depend on you having the same schedule.

The argument, that is your fail I agree, but it wouldn't have happened if they'd just left you the kitchen to clean and gone to bed, and woken up to a clean kitchen. Who could be unhappy with that?

Sometimes when people say they can't do things because of the ADHD it does sound like they are just getting out of unpleasant tasks by dumping them on someone else, sure. That is NOT what you are doing here. A 20 minute delay is not a ridiculous offront.

My accommodation with the husband - I do cook supper, he cleans after. Supper is done when it's done, not at a scheduled time but in a window of "evening". If I cannot cook I communicate this in time for him to get us takeout. If he cannot clean he lets me know in time so I can do it.

Y'all need a good calm talk, not an argument. It's possible you aren't a good fit but from this post it reads like you are holding up your end of the relationship. Migraine really sucks, I get them and understand. But they cannot blame them on your 20 minute delay, that is ridiculous.

Not diagnosed, but me and my partner have learned that we both need direct communication. Mistakes are often made and assumptions can become set in stone. On your end, you can lay out your expectations clearly so if they don't line up with your partner's, they can express that. Like, "I'm going to a thing at 6, it's done at 8 so I should be home by 8:40 unless something comes up."

Ideally then they'd say "I want to go to bed early" and then you can either make sure to leave right after or leave early if absolutely necessary.

On their end, ugh. Sure, you knew they were up early, but it's not your responsibility to automatically assume a change in routine because of it. Also you did communicate when your expected schedule changed.

texted me back, telling me... that I still needed to do the dishes

asking me basically if I had lost my mind, why was I doing the dishes when they'd told me they'd wanted to sleep.

Uhh, hello? That, plus repeatedly beating you over the head with "I was up early" just sounds... Not great. It's not good either that you snapped at them, but it sounds like you were pushed to that point.

I'd suggest having a conversation and saying that you need them to spell things out for you, or at least ask questions to ensure a common understanding. Can't stress the importance of communication enough, honestly.

You're not a mind reader. If they wanted to go to bed earlier cuz they got up early they should have told you that. Being a little late doesn't justify their reaction in my opinion. If they want you home by x time they need to clearly request that. Even if they request that it doesn't mean you have to agree. They shouldn't be setting a curfew for you, imo.

Yeah maybe you should ask what your partner wanted, either dishes or sleep. But again you're not a mind reminder. I would say it's more of them to tell you clearly what they want. In this case if they wanted you to do dishes or go to bed early.

Overall your partner doesn't sound like they are communicating healthly.

I have been with my wife for 31 years and in my opinion the problem here is your partner, not you. My wife used to ask me to do all sorts of asinine things when we were young "to prove to her that I cared". Stupid stuff like doing a specific thing every night without fail, which is impossible for someone with ADHD. These sort of demands were toxic and all they accomplished was to damage our relationship.

If your partner cares about you, they should be considerate of your condition and make an effort to accommodate you. Also, interfering or putting pressures on your therapy/support is unacceptable.

Please do not damage yourself for someone else.