ADHD

It sounds like your partner isn't willing to meet you halfway. Relationships are about compromise, which you are trying to do. She does not seem to be willing to compromise in the other direction, and understand that you have what is essentially a disability. I also have adhd, and it sometimes causes issues in my relationship. But my partner and I both try really hard to compromise and be supportive of eachother. Your partner is not doing that. You might consider having a frank conversation about how she isn't reciprocating to your needs, and expects you to do what she wants only. That's not a healthy relationship.

Not financial advice and i do not have adhd.

Being neurodivergent is not a choice, so having to feel sorry for yourself, over something out of your control, seems like a bad idea.

I think it's fine that you try to cater to a neurotypical partner, but i feel like she could be more understanding of it.

If your partner feels hurt over how your brain literally works, maybe she is not understanding enough.

I would try to let my partner know how my brain works, if you are fine with it nice, otherwise maybe staying together is detrimental to both of us.

Wish you luck!

I have ADHD, as does my wife. Here's what we've learned.

First and foremost, handle your ADHD. It doesn't just go away on its own. You might medicate it away for awhile, but it's progressive and it'll be back. You need a combination of strategy, lifestyle changes, and medication. A therapist experienced with ADHD is great, but literature exists if therapy isn't affordable.

My wife is a great example of what not to do. She never pursued therapy, doesn't take great care of herself, and never developed any coping strategies past popping more pills without taking medication breaks. Now she's at the maximum dose of adderall combined with strattera and it's not cutting it. Since her ADHD is out of control, she's having difficulty developing strategies to handle her situation and it is torture for both of us. Similarly, if you have any emotional trauma, get on that now. These things only become more impactful and harder to handle with time.

No one makes assumptions. We don't make inferences, we don't play guessing games, we don't try to read minds. If one partner doesn't directly request something, they have no right to be upset if they don't get it. If one doesn't directly state something, they have no right to be upset if it isn't understood. It's nice when my partner anticipates my needs, but it's unreasonable to expect them to. 

Have regular, formalized meetings to discuss needs and the state of your relationship. Important communications are finalized in  impersonal, precise, "business style" writing and made accessible. We've had far too many agreements that led to conflict when it turned out someone later mixed up details or never understood to begin with. We have a giant dry erase board in the dining room where important reminders are left.

Nah, your partner started the whole thing by belittling your needs. Full stop.

Move on, don't waste your time with someone this selfish. You may not be perfect, but by God, your partner thinks it's always all about them.

You're hyper critical of yourself, but not in any way noticing or assessing your partners behavior. Your partner is at very best a HUGE jerk,and ableist, and at worst, purposefully abusing you and utilizing your disability to gaslight. You just described emotional, psychological abuse and gaslighting, from your partner. No, you won't ever be able to repair this relationship, they will always make you feel like you aren't good enough, that's their aim, that's on purpose. If you do ever meet their (purposefully impossible) ridiculously unachievable expectations, the goal posts will move. Stress to this level will cause your adhd to become more enhanced, so even trying to not be adhd, isn't going to work in this, very damaging environment, you find yourself in. Please let this relationship end, and make plans to safely leave yourself. Don't let them know you're leaving. You need to leave.

I think couples therapy is a good idea. It is very likely that both of you have things to work on. I also have my own experiences of making mistakes in the past, then getting so upset with myself I don't leave any mental capacity to actually try to improve. Medications and therapy for my ADHD has helped a lot on that. Some resources that may be helpful are on YouTube. How to ADHD and Healthy Gamer GG are ones I am aware of.

Not to be rude but do you work a job?

It sounds like your partner does.

It is disrespectful to mess with their sleep if they have to sleep so they can get up early.

Your partner also sounds like they are being too mean about it. They are probably pissy/tired but that's also not a mature way for them to communicate.

It feels like there's some resentment from them and maybe some communication issues between you two.

Like others are saying, we don't have the full story, but from this your partner sounds like they don't understand / take account of your needs and abilities. But you've said in another reply that they're considerate at other times.

Something to add is that stuff about sleep is highly emotional for lots of people. I'm the adhd one, but I have a much earlier body clock than my partner. If I've been up early and want to go to bed, I want to go NOW, but they like us to get ready for bed together, which just ends up with me hassling them to go to bed and I often get irrationally angry with them because I'm worried about not getting enough sleep and my next day being ruined and so on. But I make a specific effort to try and mask that because I know it's irrational, and they have their own sleep issues, that I want to be supportive of... But when you're tired and worried about sleep it's hard to stay reasonable. So, just worth keeping in mind when thinking about their reactions, that they themselves might see that they were being overly sensitive?

These are tiny, day-to-day things many couples fight over. It's quirks and characteristics that are learned about each other over a long period of time.

Yes, you should keep in mind your partner's needs and they should reciprocate. Having eyes for each other also means noticing and keeping track of the little things that keep repeating and establish a pattern.

Whether one keeps track of things for the both of you or you each keep track in different ways, the point is that both of you bring something that makes up for what the other lacks.

A long term relationship requires reasonable compromises that the participants can grow to be comfortable with. That doesn't mean there won't be arguments, because as individuals you will occasionally feel the need to refresh your individualism. But for every win there will need to be a smaller, if not equal concession in another way to maintain the veneer of equality.

Long story short, it's good when you're communicating. Argue, make up, talk and cuddle.. it will go on as long as you want it to go.