Ask Lemmy

This makes me laugh like such a stupid idiot. Just – bear with me here: imagine this scenario playing out.

Like I dunno I'm seeing pulling up in a Spirit Halloween "Canned Spaghetti Chef" costume with a fake mustache and everything. Combined with the intrusive thought of putting random things in those whooshy bank tubes.

"It's him AGAIN!!" Like this master of disguise is some kind of recurrent menace to the bank staff. ROFL why does "frantically" make it even funnier?!

Does the tube activate with a wet schlorpy sound and pneumatically deliver its payload?

... If I think about it too much I struggle to breathe. 😂

The Mask: "Don't turn your back at me" (context: things getting sucked into holes)

"Try not to suck any dicks on the way to the parking lot!"

Someone: mentions their sore throat

Me: "what? from sucking all the dick?"

Whenever I am out and about I will eventually see someone doing something with a step-ladder. I walk up to them and say "Is that your step-ladder?". They'll look at me a little odd but answer yes. Then I ask them, "Did you ever know your real ladder?". Then we usually both laugh/chuckle and I go about my day. Been doing it for years.

The safari guides from George of the Jungle spending the entire trip trolling the white guy. Including the cherry on top, this scene.

"Excuse me ladies. I know you're feeling pretty hey sailor up here about now. But if you let me order a bowl of fried clams, we can all have smallpox tomorrow morning."

Who are you and how did you get in here?

I'm a locksmith and I'm a locksmith.

20$ nawww i wanted a peanut!

Why can you never have more that one egg?
Cause one egg is Un œuf (enough)

My favourite bilingual joke. It's so silly, it's so fantastic

-"Anyway, your immunity Is due to the fact that you lack the delta brain wave. It's a genetic abnormality which resulted when you went back in time And performed certain actions which made you your own grandfather."

-"I did do the nasty in the past-y."

Every time I get electricity bill I sing "la factura de la luz"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDd_wnhnkDs

"Oh no, not again" from the paragraph:

"Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.

What do you call a hen that counts her own eggs? A mathemachicken.

Homer Simpson thinking to himself:

"Aww, $20? I wanted a peanut."

"$20 can buy many peanuts."

"Explain how."

"Money can be exchanged for goods and services."

I think at least one part of this exchange to myself almost every time I buy anything.

"big gulps, huh? Well, see you later!"

"Why you know that cow is highly accomplished? Yeah they are outstanding in their field."

No ticket

"Supplise!"

Its from this dumb racist joke I heard as a kid:

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."

And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies."

So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

He replies "I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git masel' a shuvl! Ye left thon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin' him onywhar."

The foreman is really pissed off now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. As he approaches the mound, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yells…

"SUPPLISE!"

30 years later my partner and mother of my 2 children is Asian. Despite her best efforts her English is not great. We are a bilingual household, and this type of silly mis-spoken word thing comes up a lot.

Every time I read the word "supplies", like yesterday my printer alerted me that I need to order supplies, I have a little chuckle imagining an Asian guy jumping out and surprising me.

Its lame. Its based on a racist stereotype. I dont make fun of people with language difficulties. But I will always find this joke worth a chuckle.

Thanks to xkcd, whenever someone says "blank-ass blank" I mentally move the hyphen over, and depending on the person, if they say "that's a big-ass ball" I'll ask them "what's an ass-ball? And why is it big?"

https://xkcd.com/37/

"Yes it's true, this man had no dick"

One of my old coworkers at a previous job, I forget the exact context, but when he was asked to do something:

"Hey [Name], can you get this done?"

"Can the Pope's dick fit through a donut?"

".... I don't know?"

"Exactly 😎 👉 👉"

(The original is in swedish, so this is obviously translated)

Let’s see said the blind man to the deaf man

"What's brown and sticky?"

"A stick."

This one's been doing the rounds in my family for as long as I can remember.

"I haveth a laser pointere"

Appa from Kim's Convenience saying 'No, you!' to everything.

'You're deflecting.'

'No! You are deflecting!'

Many years ago I hung out with an old man that when asked him what he thought about a subject and he had no real input he would answer “I think a sack of flour would make a big biscuit!”

That will stay in my head forever.