Ask Lemmy

I know a family with a similar age gap between step siblings, the cohorts just don't interact much and it works fine.

Being over 50 may make early parenting more rough than usual; after the first few years I don't think it matters very much (being retired around the college/late teen years may actually be a big advantage).

I remember hearing a big scare about increased cancer risk and such, but these can be screened for and managed. I'm told it is not a real concern.

Mid 40’s is really pushing it.

The minute you have kids it's no longer about you and your journey and it's all about them. There are enough humans already.

My wife and I had a daughter with her at 45 and myself at 31. We had to use IVF, and in the end, donor eggs. So it is possible, despite the age. You're probably in a better situation biologically with him being the older one.

That said: don't have a kid if you just think it might be nice.

Kids aren't some sort of casual addition to the existing patterns of your life. They disrupt almost all of them. They are hard work, take up more time than anyone without could imagine. You can't just put them to the side and deal with them later when it's convenient for you. They need you when you're sick, when you're having a bad day, when you're grieving the death of a loved one, when you haven't had your coffee and are still waking up, when you're just trying to get some sleep, when you're hung over, when you're trying to cook, when you're trying to clean, when you're trying to get five minutes to yourself to take a shit, when the last thing you want to do is deal with a kid.

They are 100% reliant on you for years. They need to be taught everything, and I mean everything. Basic stuff like "don't bite people because you wouldn't like being bit" isn't intuitive. They will fight against you trying to get them to do something they enjoy. They will break things that are important to you. They will push boundaries intentionally and unintentionally.

And you need to handle all of your shit and all of their shit, and still have energy to handle them with kindness, near infinite patience, understanding, and with an eye for their learning and growth. You at least need to strive for this outcome, and hit it the overwhelming majority of the time. No one is perfect, but you have to strive to be for them, especially early on.

It's exhausting. It is one of the most gratifying things in the world. Just don't do it unless you're 100% sure you want to sign yourself up for it.

But look, at the end of the day, there are people having kids older than you two, and grandparents having to take sole guardianship over kids as well. You can do this, if it's something you both want.

I just met my stepbrother last week despite our parents being together for several years now. He's 20-something years younger than I am (I'm almost 50 and he's in his twenties). If I think of him as stepparent's kid, it's not weird to me; similar to kids of close friends. If I think of him as stepbrother it feels strange. Maybe that's more to do with both of us being only children than the age gap.

Fortunately, we have enough in common that we got along really well!

I have a couple of friends that had a baby and the mom also had 2 teenage daughters (the baby is the dad's first kid; he was so excited to become a dad). The daughters seemed well adjusted to it. Your stepkid could be expecting you to want a kid of your own.

Why don't the 3 of you chat with a family therapist together to see if some of these concerns can be resolved or maybe aren't so much concerns at all.

Just have some life insurance (or equivalent) set up to cover costs should the statistics catch up to him or you. At that age his parents can’t help out like they would if he were younger.

My partner’s parents are both very old compared to norms. It’s fine. One benefit is that they were financially stable and once they retired they were able to spend more time with their adolescent kid.

What was the plan prior to marriage?

My wife and I had this discussion when we got married, she was angling for another kid and I was like "Roll forward 17, 18 years, do you want to be paying for college at retirement age?"

Our first kid is grown, out of the house, married, his degree is 100% paid off... I really don't want to be doing that again in my 60s.

As long as you both consent to it and he is willing to also put in the work it takes to raise a child then what’s the problem?

Malcolm Gladwell just recently had a child in his late 50s/early 60s and so did Peter Sagal of Wait Wait fame. People have kids later in life all the time.

My wife and I had our first child when I was 39 because that’s finally when it happened for us and we had the means to support our kid the way we wanted.

I’m in my mid 40s now and would love another. I still have the energy to swing our kid around and throw her up in the air. Now she’s getting into the ages where she can hike with us, it’s a wonderful journey watching her grow and learn.

One thing I would just ask of you, personally, is just make the commitment to read to your child. Read to them every night. Read to them as much as they want. Read to them even when you’re tired. It’s so important for their development.

I have two friends born to parents of similar ages as that. Both have had very happy families. One was an only child. The other had a similar age gap with his half siblings, they didn't interact much while he was growing up, but now that he's an adult they hang out all the time. It seems like both friends have had to deal with more challenging losses of parents earlier in their lives than typical, but there's no guarantee about tomorrow anyway.

The previous president of Finland, Sauli Niinistö is currently 77-year-old and his firstborn is 7.

That means the child will see his dad die at a far too young age, most likely. But otherwise, meh. He'll be a different kind of father, but a good father all the same.

The question: how angry would he be if his father was 25 years older than he actually is? Would he prefer not having been born at all under such circumstances? I bet he wouldn't oppose his own existence, for such a reason at least. And neither will his child.

why is your husband 20 years older than you?!

also, you can adopt.

Since you said in my opinion, any age. Kids suck. Lets just die off as a species

I'd say fuck it!

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You're never too old to rock'n'roll if you're too young to die. Know nothing about kids, though...

i think 35 is a good hard stop, and honestly, this should be more your decision to make than his. he should have understood marrying someone so much younger might bring this possibility.

the age difference in siblings is irrelevant... at least to the kids. not sure why he would feel 'strange'

i say go for it. youre only here once.