Ask Lemmy

Have the kid if you both feel you want it. As an older father your husband will have qualities that a younger man wouldn’t have.

Only factors that count are the health of both of you and if you will care for and love the child.

The latter you both know already, ask yourselves. The latter can be easily checked by a health professional.

Go ahead and do something beautiful.

Eh. My parents are really old and im youngish. It kind of sucks. I wouldn't do it

We have friends with a similar age gap, she is I think 36 and he is 56 now. Their son is 3.5. He also has grown up kids not much younger than his wife. The kid was planned.

It's hard and he is passing on having another child for age reasons (see below), but their son is great and none of them regret the decision. The dad's back and knee are bad, so running after their Duracell powered son who looks like Finn from Adventure Time (that hair! Dude is set for life, he'll make bank as a hair modell) can get difficult. But they manage and are active and a very cute and happy family. Having a kid is always hard and stressful, unless you are a tiktok influencer, then it is the easiest thing you've done because it comes so naturally to you /s

As for it "feeling strange": from my own life experience, things only feel strange if you allow them to feel strange. Everything can be awkward and weird and strange and whatever, or you just decide this is your life and only you get to decide what is and what is not strange.

As for my friends, I think nothing about anything in their life feels weird. She literally lived with her now husband and his son for a while. It was fine. His kids are cool with the younger sibling. They get to choose what is normal. They chose that this is. Their family is. This is their family and their normality.

To add: Having two little kids vs one little kid is a whole different level. He has first hand experience in that, so I don't think not wanting another kid means he regrets it. Not at all. I think he just realizes that this would be not double as hard but quadruple as hard and he won't be able to do that. My husband is 35 and cannot imagine having a second child for similar reasons. He just doesn't have the energy level for another small being - and it will be more than double the energy required, while he couldn't give an extra 50% even if he wanted to.

So the question is really, how do you feel about it? Do you two have some energy left? Are you ok with taking on the majority of the physical work? Even if your partner is doing fine physically now, he might decline sooner than you think, unexpectedly.

I might add, bluntly: you have already decided that it is ok for you that the likely (if not ideal) outcome of your relationship is that your husband dies much before you. You will likely be a young widow. It might also be that he lives to 100 and you die in a freak accident after reading this. I'm not telling you anything new here. This is just to remind you of your choice and your thoughts on this when you decided to commit to each other. Because a lot of people point out that your kid might not have a dad for long. (Which, yeah, other people lose their parents at a young age too, but having it be more likely is another thing, although, does this mean sick/disabled people with a shortened life span should not have kids either, and then we are in eugenics territory or the antinatalists chime in.)

Anyway, I'll get a lot of hate in the comments (honestly taking this question to lemmy where a lot of antinatalists are hanging out is crazy) but in my opinion - which must be totally valuable to you lol - I'd go for it. Even if it is hard and you reach your limits, this is such a short time of intense chaos in your life. And then you'll have a kid. You'll have experienced this crazy thing. And love and support don't care for your age. Hugs and kisses are just as heartfelt. Your kid will be just as much of their own person, no matter what age their parents were. We all don't have a perfect family. But as I mentioned above, normal is what you define is normal. And a perfect and ideal family is whatever you decide it is.

Thank you for reading all of this.

Today.

Today is too old to doom another poor bastard.

Forget 'if you're this old your kid is this old'. Older men produce subpar sperm that can cause birth defects, pre-eclampsia and premature birth. It's not just dangerous for the child but for the mother too.

A lot of this is cultural. What a parent should be able to do, what a "normal" family looks like and so on. I feel like it would be good to ask kids of older parents instead, because at the end of the day their experience is what matters. I suspect that they'd say growing up with an old dad was fine.

As for stuff about medical risk to the kid, it's always there. Ditto for the comments about risk of their life sucking. How much risk is too much risk is the real question.

Adopt an older child if you do want to raise a kid but are worried about ages?

I’ll go with 40.

• for women I believe the risks went up dramatically 35–>40, with the new label “advanced maternal age”. There’s a clear medical threshold here.
• for men, I was about 40 and really think that should be about it. In fact I wanted another child but after that was delayed by medical issues in the family, decided we were getting too old. There may not be such a clear medical threshold but ….

When we did things with other parents we were invariably the oldest in the room. Not a blocker but it’s harder to be part of that community. I went to school with a kid from a very large family whose parents were older and they never did fit with other parents.

But the biggest thing is energy. As a Dad, I took a big part of my role to be active involvement. To keep up with toddler energy while also handling logistics. To jump into physical playtime or homework after a days work. to be always ready for the adventure, the sport, the activity. My crowning achievement was getting up at first cry so my wife could sleep, throwing the little one into a backpack, and doing a predawn hike to give his first bottle at sunrise on top of a mountain.

What was I saying? Oh energy. Now that my kids are in college, I’m old enough to make it difficult to keep up. I got my littlest into hiking but now I can’t go 5 miles without my knees killing me. Meanwhile he’s sending pictures back 15 miles in.

But seriously, energy. Now after a full days work I just want to get home and sit. Vegetate. It’s getting much harder to stir up the passion to join them whether for a video game, hone improvement, or even take them to an ice cream stand

I realize your mileage will vary, greatly, but I just don’t have the energy to be actively involved with kids anymore. They grew up just in time. But that active involvement, again doesn’t have to be physical but active participation , makes parenting so rewarding for both you and them. You don’t want to miss it. Kids aren’t goldfish where you can sit back in your chair and watch the aquarium but they shine ever brighter when you’re in there with them. You’re not a simple babysitter where you just make sure they survive, but it’s so much more rewarding as a parent to be there, do stuff, keep up.

But you have a different scenario with a large age gap. You’re at a great age for becoming a parent so don’t let age stop you. Medically it should be fine (statistically). You should be fine. But be aware that your husband may no longer have the energy or as much involvement as he would have a decade or two earlier. Both he and your child will miss out and likely you will face more of the burdens alone. But it is what it is. Life doesn’t always deal a straight flush and you have to play the hand you’re dealt.

If you're expected to die before your kid turns 30-35, you're too old.

So if life expectancy of your husband (factoring in your genetics and family medical history) is, say 81 or older, then sure, go ahead.

As for your age (maternal age), it generally should not be older than 40, and optimally younder then 35, so you're at the right age. (Because older women tend to have children with developmental issues, biologically speaking)

He also already has a 27-year-old son, and he worries that the big age gap between siblings would feel strange.

Um yea this is not optimal... my older brother is only like 5 years older and we already have a lot of problems. 👀

These are questions for a doctor, not the Internet lol.
I think you're fine but your husband might be a bit old, but idk exactly how the associated risks increase with age.

If you're serious, ignore every single comment here and ask your ob/gyn.

When I think of older men having kids I mostly think of how unfortunate it is for the kid.

By the time your kid is 20 his dad will be 72, which would me like, on average he might get 5 more years of having a dad. If he's lucky maybe 10-15.

Sorry to be macabre but it is something to consider.

IMO, you shouldn't have a child if the thought/feel behind it is "I'm genuinely happy with or without them" regardless. It's worse than being with someone and thinking "I'm genuinely happy with or without them", because that person can get another partner but you can't get a new mom...

In my opinion over 50 is too old. I don't have a hard cutoff but I think I would place it somewhere around early 40s.

Some of my reasons are very subjective. My best memories of my childhood with my parents are of active stuff – camping trips, exploring rivers, kayaking. My parents are still very active in their late 60s but I can't imagine them doing a lot of the stuff we did back then. At least not in the same way.

Also I hate seeing my parents age. It was fine until their early 60s, they were also still very healthy and energetic in their 50s. But now I am often reminded that our time together is limited. I would have hated to deal with that as a child or teenager.

I know it's very possible for a child to have a happy life with an older parent, possibly happier than many other children. But I personally would hate to have one and think it's a bit selfish to consciously choose it.

My dad was 47 when I was born and he always said he was too old to become a father that late. Also in my view, he was too old. There is a generational gap between us that just can't be bridged (he was born during WW2, I am a millennial).
We never understood each others worlds. It does not mean we did not have a good relationship and this is highly individual and subjective. People called him my grandpa when I was a kid (I didn't care). The only thing that is brutal, is him dying too soon. I am very glad he is still around with 80+ and I had the opportunity to graduate and standing on my own feet. But I know it will happen very soon and I feel he should be around for longer. It's unlucky he will never be a grandfather to the child I haven't even had time to plan yet.

My father had another son with his 2nd wife when he was 58. At first I thought he was too old and it would be a burden for him and for the kid, but finally it works fine for everyone. He kind of seems younger now and my brother (now 11 years old) deals fine with having an older dad.

First: You shouldn't care about what others think.

I can understand why your husband thinks it's too late for him. I am also in my 50's and my daughter has a 6 months old son and I could never do that again. It's not just now but if that newborn is 20 your husband is 71.

If you have a kid now you husband will be almost seventy by the time they graduate high school. He probably won't be able to keep up with his grandchildren because he will be in his late seventies unless they get started young.

I would be reluctant to bring life into the world you know you won't be around for. It is not a total deal breaker, but it is something you should talk about.

I think this is highly individual. I had my latest at 37 and I knew that I wouldd not want any later than that. Unsure if it was due to age or the fact that I have four kids, though.

For women there are finite age limitations on giving birth.

When adopting top end is age 60.

With that said, I am pretty much 60, and I have raised a kid, I couldn’t imagine dealing with that shit again.

I loved my kid, Trust me when I tell you raising a kid is so fucking overrated.

On the 27-year-old son issue that won’t mean nothing that basically mean the 27 rule will act as an uncle for the child.

My wife and I had this discussion when we got married, she was angling for another kid and I was like "Roll forward 17, 18 years, do you want to be paying for college at retirement age?"

Our first kid is grown, out of the house, married, his degree is 100% paid off... I really don't want to be doing that again in my 60s.

I know a family with a similar age gap between step siblings, the cohorts just don't interact much and it works fine.

Being over 50 may make early parenting more rough than usual; after the first few years I don't think it matters very much (being retired around the college/late teen years may actually be a big advantage).

I remember hearing a big scare about increased cancer risk and such, but these can be screened for and managed. I'm told it is not a real concern.