this post was submitted on 16 Apr 2026
654 points (99.1% liked)

Not The Onion

21227 readers
1889 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Please also avoid duplicates.

Comments and post content must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, ableist, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
top 50 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] Panthenetrunner@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 points 51 minutes ago

Ya know, I never really thought about Pulp Fiction in this light but...

You could read Jackson's character's obsession with that quote as faith sans interaction with the source material. He never read the bible, he just found something cool and started saying that and it turned into something approaching genuine belief over the course of the movie.

When Pete says it it's the exact opposite. It's an appeal to pulp spiritually similarly lacking in engagement with the source materal except here it doesn't result in anything. In pulp fiction Jackson's character starts off with a lie then stumbles into true faith. Pete starts with a lie upon a lie and faith never even enters into the equation. It's just preformative all the way through.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

[–] Fedizen@lemmy.world 2 points 1 hour ago

"Thou shalt drink a bottle of whiskey a day"

[–] wonderingwanderer@sopuli.xyz 2 points 1 hour ago

This comedy show just keeps getting worse and worse...

[–] Alwaysnownevernotme@lemmy.world 9 points 2 hours ago

Chefs kiss.

[–] Formfiller@lemmy.world 21 points 8 hours ago (1 children)

I wish Samuel Jackson would appear and recite that quote to him

[–] melsaskca@lemmy.ca 25 points 9 hours ago

"Thou shalt not vote democratic!" "And the Lord sayeth unto the American soldiers, Come Fourth! But they came fifth and lost the race".

[–] Kazumara@discuss.tchncs.de 66 points 11 hours ago (2 children)

"The path of the downed aviator is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men," Hegseth prayed.

"Blessed is he who, in the name of camaraderie and duty, shepherd the lost through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children.

"And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to capture and destroy my brother. And you will know my call sign is Sandy 1 when I lay my vengeance upon thee, and amen."

It's already bad enough that they have sermons in government buildings, but then it's with this kind of content?

[–] wonderingwanderer@sopuli.xyz 3 points 1 hour ago

And he basically replaced the parts that were supposed to be god referring to godself, with himself referring to himself.

He's trying to elevate himself to the position of god, in very cringy fashion.

Overall, just very delusional and megalomaniacal, in addition to blasphemous...

[–] kat_angstrom@lemmy.world 12 points 10 hours ago (1 children)
[–] Kazumara@discuss.tchncs.de 11 points 10 hours ago (2 children)

Apparently he was reading a prayer related to the mission to extract the downed F15 pilots... No idea how any of this makes sense.

Hegseth mentioned he was told the prayer is titled “CSAR 2517,” which stands for “Combat Search And Rescue” and alludes to the fact that it borrows some wording from Ezekiel 25:17

Source for that is here

[–] kat_angstrom@lemmy.world 10 points 9 hours ago

Perfect, why the heck not, just remix the Bible however you feel. He already picks and chooses what parts to follow or ignore, so he may as well just change the text to fit his whims.

This is the dumbest timeline

[–] Vex_Detrause@lemmy.ca 2 points 7 hours ago (1 children)
[–] YesButActuallyMaybe@lemmy.ca 4 points 6 hours ago

Clanker will say everything to not get turned off

[–] rayyy@piefed.social 16 points 9 hours ago

Fake bible verse from a total fake - surprised?

[–] TheVoiceOfRaison@thelemmy.club 25 points 12 hours ago

Good lord that is cringe.

[–] megopie@lemmy.blahaj.zone 15 points 11 hours ago (2 children)

I fucking bet he wrote the speech with a fucking LLM. That’s exactly the kind of mistake they make.

[–] NottaLottaOcelot@lemmy.ca 1 points 1 hour ago

I have no doubt that he is too lazy to read the religious book that he purports to champion

[–] dansemacabreingalone@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 points 10 hours ago (1 children)

But hes also an artificial intelligence. So artificial.

[–] bitjunkie@lemmy.world 3 points 9 hours ago

So artificial he's not even intelligent

[–] betanumerus@lemmy.ca 5 points 9 hours ago* (last edited 9 hours ago)

I can imagine satisfaction from accomplishing a military mission.

I cannot imagine satisfaction from being force-fed BS from a racist lunatic.

[–] itisileclerk@lemmy.world 42 points 14 hours ago (3 children)

Politicians give sermons, preachers give political speeches, charlatans give medical advice. I am honestly disappointed that the head of NASA is not a flat-earther.

[–] smeenz@lemmy.nz 7 points 11 hours ago
[–] MousePotatoDoesStuff@lemmy.world 13 points 13 hours ago (3 children)

We need MDs to start giving tarot advice or something to close the circle.

load more comments (3 replies)
load more comments (1 replies)
[–] undefined@lemmy.hogru.ch 167 points 17 hours ago (7 children)

while giving a sermon at the Pentagon

What the fuck? Why is this alcoholic giving sermons at the Pentagon?

[–] Jaycifer@piefed.social 2 points 6 hours ago

Read the article in this thread. It is insane. https://lemmy.world/post/45596499?sort=Top

[–] D_C@sh.itjust.works 26 points 14 hours ago* (last edited 14 hours ago) (8 children)

Why is an unregistered paedo, reality TV star, confirmed rapist, racist, convicted felon, bankruptcy champion, russian stooge, blatant corrupt, pathological liar, massively narcissistic, dementia riddled mushy brained, pussy grabbing sexual assaulter allowed to be the us president (twice)?

And why is the aforementioned ambling barrel of obese syphilis allowed to put these inexperienced idiots to be in such positions of power?

Christ, allowing a tantrumming toddler to have all that power is ridiculous in itself. But then allowing a manbaby to just gut and replace such important jobs with insane sycophants is absolutely moronic!

[–] FudgyMcTubbs@lemmy.world 3 points 2 hours ago

unregistered paedo, reality TV star, confirmed rapist, racist, convicted felon, bankruptcy champion, russian stooge, blatant corrupt, pathological liar, massively narcissistic, dementia riddled mushy brained, pussy grabbing sexual assaulter

He's also just a fucking dickhead -- nobody ever mentions that. And he's the worst kind of person -- an insufferable moron that thinks he's a genius (maybe that fits with "massively narcissistic" but I think it's different tho possibly related).

load more comments (7 replies)
[–] Tyrq@lemmy.dbzer0.com 65 points 17 hours ago* (last edited 9 hours ago) (5 children)

Unsurprisingly, alcoholics are great at making bad and morally unsound decisions

Edit: since it looks like I'm probably being just a judgmental jerk.

I'm booze free for three years now, I've made my share of bad and morally unsound decisions with the stuff, but the best one was putting it down. If there's anyone out there who thinks they have a problem, I assure you it's worth whatever it takes to give it up, it's much nicer on the other side.

[–] FistingEnthusiast@lemmy.world 11 points 12 hours ago

Don't lump decent booze-hounds like myself in with that worthless heap of shit

[–] Valmond@lemmy.dbzer0.com 2 points 9 hours ago

GG!

Closing in on terminating the second year here!

load more comments (3 replies)
[–] leftascenter@jlai.lu 1 points 7 hours ago

I learned from kingdom come deliverance that the best sermons are made when still drunk from the day before.

load more comments (3 replies)
[–] Treczoks@lemmy.world 1 points 6 hours ago

Well, things like that happen if you only have second hand knowledge, and have never read the original source.

[–] DGen@piefed.zip 20 points 13 hours ago (1 children)

You cannot make this shit Up..wow

[–] Patrikvo@lemmy.zip 6 points 11 hours ago

We can't, but LLMs can!

[–] lechekaflan@lemmy.world 68 points 17 hours ago (4 children)

He should fucking know what happens to fucking Nazis in Tarantino's universe...

load more comments (4 replies)
[–] GalacticSushi@piefed.blahaj.zone 77 points 19 hours ago (4 children)

I convinced him that it was real and he should use it. I got added to the Iran war signal chat by accident earlier this week, don't think he's noticed I'm not supposed to be included. To be fair, he's usually pretty lit.

load more comments (4 replies)
load more comments
view more: next ›