this post was submitted on 24 May 2026
422 points (98.8% liked)

Not The Onion

21559 readers
845 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Please also avoid duplicates.

Comments and post content must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, ableist, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
top 50 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] EvasiveSpecies@lemmy.world 4 points 41 minutes ago

The American government as of current just wants people as sick, dead and desperate as possible.

[–] phoenixz@lemmy.ca 2 points 25 minutes ago (2 children)

.... Why though? Was it the big suntan bed conglomerate that got to him and paid him to make that legal?

I'm kidding of course but ... Why do this? I don't get it. We all know sun tan beds are bad, why allow kids?

[–] quarkquasar@lemmy.world 1 points 4 minutes ago

You've officially put more thought into it than he has.

[–] Kage520@lemmy.world 1 points 22 minutes ago

Because UV rays make vitamin D, and that's probably as far as he thought about it. Anything else is big scary science man talk with risks about something as "healthy" as unlimited concentrated artificial sunlight.

Next up: let's outlaw soap so that we can all have really good, well practiced immune systems.

Actually maybe I shouldn't give them ideas. They might try that.

[–] PhoreTwunny@lemmy.world 6 points 1 hour ago (1 children)
[–] MiddleAgesModem@lemmy.world 1 points 36 minutes ago* (last edited 36 minutes ago)

Just to get a baaaaase

[–] DarrinBrunner@lemmy.world 2 points 1 hour ago

In the same way that most tattoo artists won't do kids, even in states where it's legal with parental consent, most salons won't let kids tan--at least I hope.

[–] skisnow@lemmy.ca 5 points 6 hours ago

This guy is the kind of cartoon villain that gets left out of the newer "dark" iterations of a franchise for being too fucking ridiculous

[–] ManixT@lemmy.world 9 points 7 hours ago
[–] BigMacHole@thelemmy.club 54 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Good! We NEED our Children looking HOT!

-LITERALLY every single Republican!

[–] Tollana1234567@lemmy.today 2 points 6 hours ago

or burnt toast.

[–] wolfeh@lemmy.blahaj.zone 22 points 23 hours ago

So... kids shouldn't have the right to their own personal expression, but they should have the right to give themselves cancer. Got it. Makes perfect sense.

[–] Zier@fedia.io 31 points 1 day ago (2 children)

Why would anyone listen to a person who looks like they got trapped in an air fryer?

[–] Tollana1234567@lemmy.today 1 points 6 hours ago

or a toaster oven. apparently his sauana wasnt hot enough.

[–] echodot@feddit.uk 10 points 23 hours ago

Presumably somewhere there is a portrait that gets younger every year.

[–] cupcakezealot@piefed.blahaj.zone 117 points 1 day ago (3 children)

why is rfk jr so obsessed with minors i wonder

[–] Tollana1234567@lemmy.today 38 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (3 children)

he has seen with dining with epstein on one or more photos. his other comment about the other month was about sperm of young men, or boys. he said sperm count was lower now than it was before, Looks like peter thiels rubbing off on him.

[–] HugeNerd@lemmy.ca 30 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Looks like peter thiels rubbing off on him.

load more comments (2 replies)
[–] brem@lemmy.world 14 points 1 day ago

It's a union thang. His boss diddles kiddies so they all follow the leader.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] RememberTheApollo_@lemmy.world 8 points 23 hours ago (1 children)

So they can be as baked as he is.

[–] Tollana1234567@lemmy.today 1 points 6 hours ago

overbaked to dryness, or pleather.

[–] SeeMarkFly@lemmy.ml 45 points 1 day ago (13 children)

Doctors I trust more than Doctor Oz, Doctor Phil, Pete Hegseth, or RFK Jr.

Doc (The leader of the seven dwarfs)

Doc Brown

Doc Gooden

Doc Holiday

Doc Hollywood

Doc Johnson

Doc McStuffins

Doctor John Becker

Doctor Bombay

Doctor Bronner

Doctor Claw

Doctor Demento

Doctor Detroit

Doctor Dirty

Doctor Dolittle

Doctor Doofenshmirtz aka Dr. D or just “Doof”

Doctor Doom

Doctor Drake Ramoray ("Days of Our Lives")

Doctor Evil

Doctor Hubert J. Farnsworth

Doctor Feelgood

Doctor Frankenstein

Doctor Girlfriend

Doctor Hannibal Lecter

Doctor Horrible

Doctor Douglas "Doogie" Howser

Doctor Gregory House

Doctor Jekyll

Doctor Johnny Fever

Doctor Kevorkian

Doctor Kildare

Doctor Richard Kimble

Doctor Leonard H. "Bones" McCoy

Doctor Martens

Doctor Moreau

Doctor Nick

Doctor Otto Octavius (Doctor Octopus or Doc Ock)

Doctor Pimple Popper

Doctor Scholl's

Doctor Orin Scrivello

Doctor Seuss

Doctor Zachary Smith

Doctor Spaceman

Doctor Spock

Doctor Strange

Doctor Strangelove

Doctor Teeth

Doctor Theopolis

Doctor Watson

Doctor Marcus Welby

Doctor Who

Doctor Zaius

Doctor Zhivago

Doctor Zoidberg

Dr. Death (Harold Shipman)

Dr. Dre

Dr. Enuf

Dr. Hook

Dr. J (Julius Erving)

Dr. Octogonapus (DOCTOROCTAGONAPUSBLURRR)

Dr. Pepper

Dr. Donald D. Rose

Dr. Ruth

Dr. Tedros

Dr. Tran

Rug Doctor

Spin Doctors

The Doctor (Star Trek: Voyager)

Even Nurse Ratchet

[–] Exatron@lemmy.world 1 points 1 hour ago* (last edited 1 hour ago)

You missed Dr. Teeth, Dr. Facilier, and Dr. Bees

[–] FuglyDuck@lemmy.world 19 points 1 day ago (4 children)

I would add Doc Martin.

Both the character in the show and this marten named after him:

a photo of a marten, stuck in a window well

[–] Soulphite@reddthat.com 4 points 1 day ago

Shit, I'd trust the boots over them as well...

load more comments (3 replies)
[–] Stern@lemmy.world 13 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Notably absent: Dr. Rockso, also Dr. Acula, depending on how high you are.

[–] wonderingwanderer@sopuli.xyz 2 points 23 hours ago

My screenplay!

[–] popekingjoe@lemmy.world 11 points 1 day ago

Good on you for not forgetting about Dre.

load more comments (9 replies)
[–] Catoblepas@lemmy.blahaj.zone 40 points 1 day ago (5 children)

Kennedy’s action comes at a time when many adherents of his Make America Healthy Again movement have adopted regular sun exposure as a core principle of wellness, with social media influencers encouraging followers to abandon sunscreen and build up their “solar callus,” or sun tolerance, instead.

Even if this doesn’t give you cancer, it’ll make you look like a California Raisin. In one of Lab Muffin’s videos (chemistry PhD who makes educational videos about beauty/skincare product misinformation), she has a great photo of an older woman who has put sunscreen on her face but not neck for decades, and it looked like they belonged to two different people. Same if you’ve ever seen photos of old truckers that don’t use sunscreen on their window side arm.

TL;DR: UV radiation bad. Protect yourself from the giant nuclear explosion in the sky. If you don’t like sunscreen, use a sun jacket or anything long sleeved with a good UPF rating.

[–] ArmoredThirteen@lemmy.zip 24 points 1 day ago

Sunscreen on face but not neck

Trucker

load more comments (4 replies)
[–] Etterra@discuss.online 13 points 1 day ago

Listen up you leathery pile, your ideas are stupid and you should feel stupid.

[–] quick_snail@feddit.nl 3 points 21 hours ago (2 children)

I'd love to get a bed that has no UV. Just warmth and no cancer risk

[–] porkloin@lemmy.world 3 points 8 hours ago (1 children)

Ever heard of blankets? Pretty dope technology imho

[–] quick_snail@feddit.nl 1 points 1 hour ago

You mean electric blankets?

[–] Tollana1234567@lemmy.today 1 points 6 hours ago

rfk jr sleeps in a tanning booth no doubt.

[–] Entertainmeonly@lemmy.blahaj.zone 23 points 1 day ago (6 children)

It's like his goal is to get as many people sick from as many things as possible. No vaccines, red meat heavy diet and suntanning beds. What's next cigarettes for kids?

[–] danekrae@lemmy.world 18 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (1 children)

What’s next cigarettes for kids?

To build up their lung callus, for when they'll get work in the coal mines.

load more comments (1 replies)
load more comments (5 replies)
[–] kboos1@lemmy.world 10 points 1 day ago

RFK = Skin cancer's best friend.

[–] stumu415@lemmy.zip 19 points 1 day ago (2 children)

Also he highly recommended a daily dose of racoon dick for newborns.

[–] popekingjoe@lemmy.world 10 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Well they need vitamin D too.

Holy shit this is so much more fucked up typed out than in my head.

load more comments (1 replies)
load more comments (1 replies)
[–] gibmiser@lemmy.world 14 points 1 day ago

Gotta give them kids sexy orange skin

[–] Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world 12 points 1 day ago (3 children)

Sooooooo, trump I get. He's a narcisist. That's why he does the things he does. He's also putins bitch. So he tries to destroy america, because putin is obsessed with the cold war.

The rest of the crew are just desprate needy sycophants, who do nothing but try to gobble up as much attention and power as possible.

But RFKjr? Him I don't get. It's like he's an 80s saturday morning cartoon villain. He would fit right in alongside Cobra, or CLAW, or being one of Jokers henchmen.

I'm honestly expecting him at some point to encourage people to drink bleach.

He's just really fucking stupid.

load more comments (2 replies)
load more comments
view more: next ›